January 15, 2019 11:18 pm
I feel like I have roughly three major states of being
There is one version of myself who is incredibly introspective, serious, sad but also wise. She loves to read, listen to music and have long, meaningful conversations. She is calm, quiet and reserved. She’s guarded, traumatized and tired. She’s afraid to let someone in again, to love someone because it has only brought her disappointment and pain.
There is another who is incredibly idealistic and excitable, prone to rambling, making jokes and being silly. An encyclopedia of random information, painfully self-aware but very energetic. Incredibly open, heart on her sleeve. She greets the world with a smile, she’s kind and caring and puts others before herself often- it sometimes gets her in trouble but she finds the emotional reward to be worthwhile. She uses her pain to make an impact instead of letting it destroy her it sets her free.
Then there is the rarest form, there is blind and utter rage. She comes seemingly out of nowhere but she is an avalanche, there has been a weight piling up and one wrong step or sound and it comes in one catastrophic downfall. I only see her really when I fall in love, which I suppose leads me back to what’s holding me back from allowing myself to experience it again. She tears your entire character apart word by word until you’re in shreds, the result of being an overly analytical person I suppose is that it can be used to both appreciate and to wound.
I often think about how loss and trauma have shaped me into the person I am for better or for worse. As early as the death of my grandmother when I was seven, the bear I bought her while she was dying of cancer in the hospital and losing her memories has laid beside me every night for the past eighteen years and is somehow still in perfect condition. Every loss I experience is another wound I am compelled to actualize. Sometimes it is with self destructive behaviours, sometimes it is with tattoos- so I can still hurt myself with a beautiful result. Abuse, addiction and death have created an extremely complicated but loving human being.
I still make mistakes, constantly. I do things that I know will harm me in some way, because sometimes I need to stop feeling so fucking much. Stop thinking so much. Stop talking so much. I just need to stop.
I am realizing, or remembering now that there are things I can do with this energy that will benefit me. I can escape without truly causing myself harm, or at least reducing it. It’s so easy to fall back down that rabbit hole, isn’t it? To forget that there is another way besides forgetting yourself. I don’t know if I allow things to consume me or if they just do.
Document 3 – February 6th 2019, 4:55 PM
I’m never giving you your book back even though I gave it to you for your birthday. I know you won’t ask for it back anyways, I’ve become too fearless for you to accept. Maybe it magnifies the qualities you have that you perceive as weak.
But now I am held back by you.
I constantly want to ask you how you’re feeling, how you’ve been doing, I want to know if you ever think about me. Sometimes I get this feeling that you do, that I’m not completely insane for feeling this way but then I doubt myself.
It’s a terrible thing when you can’t even trust your own mind.
No Sleep – February 23rd 6:31 AM
I don’t even like cigarettes anymore.
but I lost that stupid vape again and I need something to do
I can see myself becoming attached again and I’m afraid.
Although I am happy to be free of the seemingly endless grief associated with him.
It gets worse every time. I fall harder against my better judgement and I come out that much more damaged, but also wiser.
I am both too excited and too overwhelmed.
Skeptical, because hope only leads to despair.
Its very difficult to not harbour expectations.
I want to be better.
I think mentally I am more put together but it’s a different kind of pain realizing what you are missing.
No Sleep 2 – March 14th 2019 time unknown
I can’t sleep again and I contemplate the idea of getting up, eating, maybe doing something productive like studying but then the idea of getting up exhausts me and I’m stuck in this sort of purgatory but at this point I don’t feel like there’s a point in laying here. I’m thinking too much to sleep
Borderline – March 15th 2019 12:47 AM
I feel like I’ve been in a fog. In ways I have a sense of identity, there is a personality (although complex) that is distinctly my own I do see that my identity wavers in ways still. I pick a trait of my personality disorder, or co morbidity and identify strongly with that for a while. Identify strongly with social work. Obsess over a human and base my entire existence around them: I worry that the thought is more exciting than the actual reality. Some forms of attention I find annoying, but I tolerate it anyhow because I crave the validation.
I know I am not my disorder, but it makes it difficult that I cannot trust my mind and I can be on 25 different medications, two or none and still it will be insufficient. I will always experience this existential nightmare and find ways to cope with it- which is lonely because often that means retreat in those times I cannot trust myself to talk to others. I know if I do in these “moods” or “states of mind” that I will say too much too soon. My intensity both draws people in and frightens them away from me.
I’ve known since I was 17 years old that I have BPD, borderline personality disorder and that it explained a lot. My fits of uncontrolled rage, my self harm (also often rage induced), extreme emotional highs and lows… black and white ways of thinking. I adore you with every fibre of my being, or I don’t care about you at all. You get everything, or nothing at all. I have an extremely contradictory nature that makes me difficult to love, difficult to live with.
I struggle with feelings of emptiness and numbness, to hyper sensitivity to both emotions, sounds, lights and people. Sometimes I am distant and antisocial, sometimes I want to stay awake until 6am talking or listening. I am both afraid to love and compelled by my loving nature to exist. I am disappointed often and terrified of rejection. I’m lonely when I’m alone and smothered when I’m with people.
I am never satisfied.
My emotions are constantly strobing, changing. My mood can shift in moments. I can not speak to you for years and then reconcile as if nothing ever happened.
Growing Paints – March 17th 2019 3:34 PM
I am learning a lot about myself right now. Perhaps with more clarity than ever before. I come to a point where I believe I know myself but I suppose there is always some part of me I am suppressing in an attempt to cope with reality. As per usual. I have assignments for school I’m doing that require a lot of delving into deep family issues, I am reliving abuse, neglect, trauma, loss and personal crisis points.
I’m angry. But I know sometimes saying nothing says more than whatever essay I could write on my feelings. But I am so angry. I fell in love, which- so far has always resulted in some sort of disaster. What is an amicable split? It’s only amicable if I never really loved you. Words haunt me, but what am I trying to get out of telling you that you were wrong? You won’t react the way I want you to. This will make me upset.
My mind is chaotic, so my life is chaotic. From the outside looking in I suppose it doesn’t entirely seem that way but it is. I need stability. Is that even possible? I’m having some kind of major epiphany in the midst of a fucking crisis. I am constantly faced with thoughts of shutting down, giving up, or running away. However, in spite of this I am doing my reflective assignments and reading a book on borderline personality disorder. I want to understand myself.
I feel ready to move forward. I don’t know how I got here, I suppose it is what it always has been. Something just clicked. It always does eventually, I just get so lost in my emotions I feel like I’m drowning. I need to find my water wings.
Document 4 – April 28th 2019 3:41 PM
I can’t help sometimes but feel isolated when I’m in a crowd. Like I am an alien among the people of earth, like no matter how much explaining and over-explaining I do it’s never enough and I am forever misinterpreted. I look for partners who I feel can “take care” of me, I get very excited when I make a new connection, I often end up being smothering but God forbid if the same was done to me. I would run.
I have so many contradictory emotions and perspectives, and being a naturally reflective person has made me so aware of it constantly.
I’m not sure if I feel angry and frustrated moreso now than I did previously or if I’m just aware of it more. I often feel the need to retreat with the contradictory want to be with people, or lately around people even if we aren’t interacting. I still feel alienated but somehow it’s better if I’m in a familiar environment or around an individual I find to be calming.
I know social media is bad for me, and I continue to use it anyway. Partially for networking with and contacting tattoo artists when I want more work done, and partially for my need for “intimate distance”. I cannot account for how many people I message daily, or decide I miss in a given moment to distract me from the emptiness I feel inside of me that I am constantly searching for new ways to fill or distract from- “healthy” or not.
Sometimes I engage in critical self-analysis, I love reading philosophical books that help me understand myself and others on a deeper level. When I feel too many emotions, or the degree is too intense I am faced with the urge to physically harm myself. When I am feeling numb, I am faced with the urge to engage in some form of self-destructive behaviour.
I think for many years I searched for an escape from this, and to be honest I sometimes still do in a way. However, I have accepted the fact that there is no escape only coping.
Coping is hard, and living is harder but something stubborn in me wants to continue with this perilous trek anyhow.