Clusterfuck of writing I am deciding to share today

“Stop”

January 15, 2019         11:18 pm

I feel like I have roughly three major states of being

There is one version of myself who is incredibly introspective, serious, sad but also wise. She loves to read, listen to music and have long, meaningful conversations. She is calm, quiet and reserved. She’s guarded, traumatized and tired. She’s afraid to let someone in again, to love someone because it has only brought her disappointment and pain.

There is another who is incredibly idealistic and excitable, prone to rambling, making jokes and being silly. An encyclopedia of random information, painfully self-aware but very energetic. Incredibly open, heart on her sleeve. She greets the world with a smile, she’s kind and caring and puts others before herself often- it sometimes gets her in trouble but she finds the emotional reward to be worthwhile. She uses her pain to make an impact instead of letting it destroy her it sets her free.

Then there is the rarest form, there is blind and utter rage. She comes seemingly out of nowhere but she is an avalanche, there has been a weight piling up and one wrong step or sound and it comes in one catastrophic downfall. I only see her really when I fall in love, which I suppose leads me back to what’s holding me back from allowing myself to experience it again. She tears your entire character apart word by word until you’re in shreds, the result of being an overly analytical person I suppose is that it can be used to both appreciate and to wound.

I often think about how loss and trauma have shaped me into the person I am for better or for worse. As early as the death of my grandmother when I was seven, the bear I bought her while she was dying of cancer in the hospital and losing her memories has laid beside me every night for the past eighteen years and is somehow still in perfect condition. Every loss I experience is another wound I am compelled to actualize. Sometimes it is with self destructive behaviours, sometimes it is with tattoos- so I can still hurt myself with a beautiful result. Abuse, addiction and death have created an extremely complicated but loving human being.

I still make mistakes, constantly. I do things that I know will harm me in some way, because sometimes I need to stop feeling so fucking much. Stop thinking so much. Stop talking so much. I just need to stop.

I am realizing, or remembering now that there are things I can do with this energy that will benefit me. I can escape without truly causing myself harm, or at least reducing it. It’s so easy to fall back down that rabbit hole, isn’t it? To forget that there is another way besides forgetting yourself. I don’t know if I allow things to consume me or if they just do.

 

Document 3 – February 6th 2019, 4:55 PM 

I’m never giving you your book back even though I gave it to you for your birthday. I know you won’t ask for it back anyways, I’ve become too fearless for you to accept. Maybe it magnifies the qualities you have that you perceive as weak.

But now I am held back by you.

I constantly want to ask you how you’re feeling, how you’ve been doing, I want to know if you ever think about me. Sometimes I get this feeling that you do, that I’m not completely insane for feeling this way but then I doubt myself.

It’s a terrible thing when you can’t even trust your own mind.

 

No Sleep – February 23rd 6:31 AM 

I don’t even like cigarettes anymore.
but I lost that stupid vape again and I need something to do

I can see myself becoming attached again and I’m afraid.
Although I am happy to be free of the seemingly endless grief associated with him.

It gets worse every time. I fall harder against my better judgement and I come out that much more damaged, but also wiser.

Eventually.

I am both too excited and too overwhelmed.
Skeptical, because hope only leads to despair.
Its very difficult to not harbour expectations.

I want to be better.
I think mentally I am more put together but it’s a different kind of pain realizing what you are missing.

 

No Sleep 2 – March 14th 2019 time unknown 

I can’t sleep again and I contemplate the idea of getting up, eating, maybe doing something productive like studying but then the idea of getting up exhausts me and I’m stuck in this sort of purgatory but at this point I don’t feel like there’s a point in laying here. I’m thinking too much to sleep

Borderline – March 15th 2019 12:47 AM

I feel like I’ve been in a fog. In ways I have a sense of identity, there is a personality (although complex) that is distinctly my own I do see that my identity wavers in ways still. I pick a trait of my personality disorder, or co morbidity and identify strongly with that for a while. Identify strongly with social work. Obsess over a human and base my entire existence around them: I worry that the thought is more exciting than the actual reality. Some forms of attention I find annoying, but I tolerate it anyhow because I crave the validation.

I know I am not my disorder, but it makes it difficult that I cannot trust my mind and I can be on 25 different medications, two or none and still it will be insufficient. I will always experience this existential nightmare and find ways to cope with it- which is lonely because often that means retreat in those times I cannot trust myself to talk to others. I know if I do in these “moods” or “states of mind” that I will say too much too soon. My intensity both draws people in and frightens them away from me.

I’ve known since I was 17 years old that I have BPD, borderline personality disorder and that it explained a lot. My fits of uncontrolled rage, my self harm (also often rage induced), extreme emotional highs and lows… black and white ways of thinking. I adore you with every fibre of my being, or I don’t care about you at all. You get everything, or nothing at all. I have an extremely contradictory nature that makes me difficult to love, difficult to live with.

I struggle with feelings of emptiness and numbness, to hyper sensitivity to both emotions, sounds, lights and people. Sometimes I am distant and antisocial, sometimes I want to stay awake until 6am talking or listening. I am both afraid to love and compelled by my loving nature to exist. I am disappointed often and terrified of rejection. I’m lonely when I’m alone and smothered when I’m with people.

I am never satisfied.

My emotions are constantly strobing, changing. My mood can shift in moments. I can not speak to you for years and then reconcile as if nothing ever happened.

 

Borderline.

 

Growing Paints – March 17th 2019 3:34 PM 

I am learning a lot about myself right now. Perhaps with more clarity than ever before. I come to a point where I believe I know myself but I suppose there is always some part of me I am suppressing in an attempt to cope with reality. As per usual. I have assignments for school I’m doing that require a lot of delving into deep family issues, I am reliving abuse, neglect, trauma, loss and personal crisis points.

I’m angry. But I know sometimes saying nothing says more than whatever essay I could write on my feelings. But I am so angry. I fell in love, which- so far has always resulted in some sort of disaster. What is an amicable split? It’s only amicable if I never really loved you. Words haunt me, but what am I trying to get out of telling you that you were wrong? You won’t react the way I want you to. This will make me upset.

My mind is chaotic, so my life is chaotic. From the outside looking in I suppose it doesn’t entirely seem that way but it is. I need stability. Is that even possible? I’m having some kind of major epiphany in the midst of a fucking crisis. I am constantly faced with thoughts of shutting down, giving up, or running away. However, in spite of this I am doing my reflective assignments and reading a book on borderline personality disorder. I want to understand myself.

I feel ready to move forward. I don’t know how I got here, I suppose it is what it always has been. Something just clicked. It always does eventually, I just get so lost in my emotions I feel like I’m drowning. I need to find my water wings.

 

Document 4 – April 28th 2019 3:41 PM 

I can’t help sometimes but feel isolated when I’m in a crowd. Like I am an alien among the people of earth, like no matter how much explaining and over-explaining I do it’s never enough and I am forever misinterpreted. I look for partners who I feel can “take care” of me, I get very excited when I make a new connection, I often end up being smothering but God forbid if the same was done to me. I would run.

I have so many contradictory emotions and perspectives, and being a naturally reflective person has made me so aware of it constantly.

I’m not sure if I feel angry and frustrated moreso now than I did previously or if I’m just aware of it more. I often feel the need to retreat with the contradictory want to be with people, or lately around people even if we aren’t interacting. I still feel alienated but somehow it’s better if I’m in a familiar environment or around an individual I find to be calming.

I know social media is bad for me, and I continue to use it anyway. Partially for networking with and contacting tattoo artists when I want more work done, and partially for my need for “intimate distance”. I cannot account for how many people I message daily, or decide I miss in a given moment to distract me from the emptiness I feel inside of me that I am constantly searching for new ways to fill or distract from- “healthy” or not.

Sometimes I engage in critical self-analysis, I love reading philosophical books that help me understand myself and others on a deeper level. When I feel too many emotions, or the degree is too intense I am faced with the urge to physically harm myself. When I am feeling numb, I am faced with the urge to engage in some form of self-destructive behaviour.

I think for many years I searched for an escape from this, and to be honest I sometimes still do in a way. However, I have accepted the fact that there is no escape only coping.

Coping is hard, and living is harder but something stubborn in me wants to continue with this perilous trek anyhow.

Advertisements

Chaotic Peace

The way I love was best described in a poem I read recently, it’s sacrificial. I most often write when I am sad or there are emotions I need to process. It’s easier for me to express myself intimately in writing as opposed to verbalizing it. When I have to physically say something, or choose to it can be extremely difficult. My mind and heart race, I feel like there is something physically blocking me from speaking, sometimes I cry and stutter. I have always loved to write and I suppose I began using it as an outlet really when I was about 11 and my self harming began. A way to channel intense emotions.

“Art should disturb the comfortable, and comfort the disturbed.”

Falling in love is a little terrifying at times, especially when you have never met someone who goes at your natural pace, who truly syncs with you- body, mind and soul. I believe now that my past experiences in love have been me trying to convince myself that this is what I’ve found and am now realizing that there was always something off beforehand. Something to feel anxious about.

I believe now that often the intense “anxiety” I experience at times is intuition, people tell you to “do it anyway” but also to “listen to your gut”- the contradictory ways of humanity, (rules, expectations and social norms). Lately, moreso these past few months I believe I have finally learned to trust my instincts and it brings me a kind of inner peace I never thought possible within all of this chaos and turmoil.

I truly do believe accepting those moments of the unknown, in fact embracing them are incredibly important for us to grow and move on.

As Rebecca Solnit’s book “A field guide to getting lost” taught me, allowing yourself to get lost is the only way we can find ourselves again.

Typically when I engage in a self destructive/ mutilating behaviour there is a reason. Like feeling too much or too little, numbness versus emotional intensity, (anger, pain and sadness typically) but lately I see myself very nonchalantly hurting myself in smaller ways as if to compensate for not actually taking that razor to a new spot I haven’t decided to mark.

People always tell me: drinking is harm reduction, drugs, cigarettes, and I feel like that is their own discomfort with having to see the after effects. That cutting leaves a visible scar. You don’t have to look at my addiction in a literal sense, the on and off eating disorder and perpetual “food issues” whereas the scars cause discomfort. You have a reminder of my pain you have to endure if you see certain parts of my body.

I just gave up on this blog but I’m posting it anyway tag/category free.

Better

Something has changed in me over the last few days, I don’t know if I should attribute it on the season, planetary alignment, personal struggles or what exactly but everything is just falling into place and I feel that good things are coming. I’m trusting my instincts, I feel in tune with the universe again. I have found peace as I am finding which people are ready to be healed and how to do it, and which ones to stay away from for the time being. This is my greatest strength and my biggest downfall.

I am realizing why I feel anxiety and in which situations I do and it is preventing me from getting into situations where I feel frustrated and the behaviours I exhibit that are detrimental, destroy my relationships come out. A part of me feels I am “better” and should therefore not need my medication anymore and I don’t know if this is true or not. I suppose I could test it out – my doctor would advise me against that but since when have I actually taken anyone else’s advice besides my own? For now let’s keep taking our meds. I’ve always known my instincts to be correct somewhere deep down, but I doubted myself so much. We all do, we are only human after all.

I have decided to stop searching so relentlessly and learn to just exist, just be and allow things to happen. I have a sense of what is to come, and it is the unknown that bewilders me. I need to accept that there is an unknown and simply just be.

Actually february 18 2018..

I have to wonder why I always obsess over men who don’t seem nearly as taken with me as I am of them. They interact with me just enough for me to convince myself that there’s something there- and it’s worth waiting for. I’m on my toes, waiting- and being ignored until the moment I’m ready to give up and then he comes back. And I tell myself to trust my instinct but I’m still met with the bitter taste of disappointment.

I’m aware of these patterns and yet still still I manage to trick myself- time and time again. In just few enough words you say “I’m different” but you all end up the same in some way regardless. Act like you see my value, but it’s self-serving. Somehow I know that not putting so much energy and thought into something is what will make things turn out differently, and I know what games to play to get my way but that just isn’t who I am.

can play games but it goe

FEBRUARY 7 2018

Learning to trust your instincts never gets easier for me- even when you know which ones to trust. I’m so terrified of missing out, but something causes me to freeze. I haven’t felt so insecure since I was a teenager.

It’s frustrating to be thinking of someone constantly that they’re even in your dreams and you can’t exactly explain why: it seems a bit irrational to feel so fixated on someone so quickly. But at the same time I can’t help how I feel- although I feel like I should hide it for some reason.

Feeling like this always has me so unmotivated and sad. Shouldn’t feelings of love in some capacity feel good? It causes me to overthink so much- more than I already do -and I feel terrified. I don’t know if it’s instinctual and my subconscious is trying to protect me from hurt even though my mind believes the pain is always worth it somehow.

DECEMBER 29 2017

It’s funny how my time with you is the loneliest I’ve ever felt
A kind of loneliness most prevalent while we spoke
Like being next to someone who refuses to really see you

You drink to numb yourself
But you were the most vulnerable when you were drunk
Often the kindest, and the most honest to me

Making you incredibly difficult to deal with when your guard was back up

But I’m sitting here wondering, is this really how I feel
Or am I just sick again

Humans are funny, they get so caught up in their emotions
It’s like if you say one wrong word suddenly every inherently good aspect about you is just forgotten

Hollow

Typically I like to type things out but my laptop died so I’m going to attempt dictating I have no idea how much sense this will make… it’s kind of shitty being somebody who finds a catharsis in writing and yet someone with so many competing/conflicting thoughts that overwhelm me.. It can be difficult trying to decide what to write down and why I find it important. I feel like nothing is either going to be good enough, for me or that I will never be good enough for someone else. My chest hurts when I interact but I crave human interaction. I can’t ever keep track of what I’m saying but in typing or writing I can revise so the message is clearer. The empty journal that I own makes me sad to write in so I don’t see that being beneficial at this point in time. Often when I write I don’t even have something to write about specifically it’s just that my heart’s heavy, I’m overwhelmed, I want my head to be quiet and everything else I’ve tried isn’t working or causes more anxiety- like calling someone. Asking for help. I’d rather just give a glimpse into what’s happening mentally and then downplay the severity and make reassurances once the guilt sets in. I hate upsetting people.

I have these recurring thoughts and feelings that haunt me, people will tell me that they’ll pass with time, and not to sound negative but maybe I’m just different than them. I see them for what they are and that there’s no use pursuing what I’m feeling no matter how much I feel inexplicably driven to. Even someone as intense as me can accept when it’s time to either say goodbye or step back.. though I’m sure many others find this to be an easier feat.. I accept I am not “neurotyipical” whatever the fuck that means.

I do find myself caring about school, eating and taking insulin… but there’s just this lack of passion in me that I saw and felt before that is currently on hiatus.

So here I am trying the medication thing it doesn’t see him to make a huge change and I knew it wouldn’t. It’s just socially acceptable drug use, and your dealer has to adhere to a code of ethics.

There are only two people I can think of that I had some form of complete intellectual symbiosis with but someone always runs away. Depression is often described as sadness and melancholy that you can’t explain but there are reasons that I’m like this “chronically” it’s just difficult to explain.

I don’t know if I’m looking for something that I’ll never find or if I’m trying to replace something that I’ve lost and can never have again.

This is why drugs have always appealed to me in some way or another, even psychedelics that hyper-focus the things I’m avoiding. Everything else is a distraction or numbing agent. Ill admit here that I constantly want to hurt myself, be destructive.. and I keep trying to move on and it can be easy to find something simpler but I know that in a heartbeat I would run away from all of it to feel like I did before.

Some will say that’s unhealthy and maybe it is but how do you define that? If societal health is boring and there’s not something that just inexplicably draws you in I don’t want it. I’m a person of passion I don’t know who else to be. So often times I feel very lonely even when I’m sitting next to you and connecting because I know that I’m missing something.

Life goes on, flowers grow. Good things still happen. I know. I realize I’ll keep trying to fill this vacancy, maybe forever. I just wanted to write about it today before it ate me from the inside out.

Love is annoying

Have you ever loved someone for an intense amount of time, (subjectively long or short) and you just know it’s a part of you forever? Some folks enjoy being lost to an emotion, but for me it can be so annoying. When you love someone so much, but you wish it would fade away? Like when you lay in bed trying to sleep, wishing you could just forget. 

I don’t believe any emotion is inherently bad but some of them can be… debilitating. What draws us to those who apparently don’t share the same regard as we do? Why do I care for those who seem to barely give me a second thought and why does it fester in my mind? I think a phase such as this is typical, but what I wonder is why I cannot seem to let go of certain people: i.e., it isn’t a phase… In spite of the way they treat me I still put a lot of energy into them, unintentionally and this just annoys me.

I suppose it’s similar to wishing life was somehow fair. Why can’t my thoughts and feelings balance into something tangible and logical?

Logic and emotion are a frustrating balance I find near impossible. I guess I only write when I can’t take it anymore…

Jaded

I swore I’d never allow myself to become jaded, but perhaps it’s not a matter of “allowing” it’s just inevitable. I get so intense when I love someone, it consumes me but when I’m between fixations I’m just.. empty. Blissfully so, in a sort of a way. I suppose I’m an “all or nothing” sort of person in many ways. But the lack of feeling is almost euphoric because I’m not so constantly overwhelmed that I can focus on myself. Maybe it’s a part of the attention “deficit” where I’m either hyper-focused or lacking it entirely.

I try to look for reasoning behind everything, in spite of the fact that I’m a very emotion-driven person, and I often find myself frustrated because feelings don’t make sense.

In any case, I’m terrible at staying on topic but, I think I’m becoming… not quite jaded but halfway there. I’ve become less idealistic towards my own life, I’ve lost a lot of hope and feel apathetic. I don’t feel like giving up on my education, if anything it’s all I have now besides my dog. I distrust my friend’s intentions constantly, I’m not sure why really but I just do. I feel unimportant, insignificant, and a mere convenience. I don’t like expressing this because it comes off as manipulative, like you have to counteract with a positive comment- if you don’t you’re kind of an asshole right?

I don’t know, I’ve tried crisis lines and online chat-rooms but nothing seems to help me. I have a social worker who provides addictions counselling, a psychiatrist to help me with my insomnia, a few people who would definitely listen if I were to reach out for once but it’s hard for me to in a way that’s… successful?

I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll share this one beyond here, I’ll decide after I rest.