A letter to the one I love

WHERE ARE YOU.

I can live without you, find fulfillment and purpose… but I keep looking for traits of you everywhere I go and everyone I connect with. I convince myself this is real, but it can’t be because it isn’t complicated enough. It’s not difficult, time consuming and conflicted enough to be true.

I know it’s unlike you to reappear while I struggle but please come back in whatever capacity because I still feel your presence even though it would be easier not to.

No one gets me like you do, and if you’re doing this for yourself- stay away. If you’re doing it for me you’re just hurting me. No one else gets me. I don’t know how to be right now, and even if we can’t drive we can talk right?

I don’t harbour a certain expectation I just miss you, badly. No one measures up.

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Contradictions

I am in no way the slightest bit sorry about who I am as a person, I do however experience constant frustration with how I am interpreted. There’s an oddity about being someone who presents so well, is so articulate with such an overstimulated mind and senses. I often use too many words, when the message would be more effective with fewer. I am prone to over explain, obsess and fixate. I guess I’m sorry for how I come across sometimes. When people begin to understand me, they fear me and then they run so I have an odd way of interacting. Its a mix of genuine nature and guardedness.

I’m either interactive, hyperactive even or very quiet and observant. I am a unique combination of bewildering yet relatable, I suppose I have a very contradictory nature. It’s like I understand myself so well while also finding parts of myself that are entirely hidden and unexplored.

Here I go again with the contradictions.

Addiction is so fascinating and yet so frustrating, having to accept that it will always manifest itself into your life is upsetting. For me at least, but I like to be different. I like to challenge and god forbid I submit to something, it has to be my idea or something has to push me to this point.

Let me continue to contradict here, but for someone so open minded I am incredibly fixed in what I believe in. Perhaps accepting is a more accurate representation, because if I find it morally objectionable there is no budging.

I’m coming to a point in my life where I have to decide if I want to dull the person I am with medications, quiet it a little bit so that others will have an easier time handling me, and I will therefore suffer less because I will experience less loss… or just say fuck it and let it be. Specific people who truly love me, stay there consistently from a distance, or wind in and out of my life at their leisure. Most of my friends know me from an intimate distance.

I make strong connections very quickly, the spark either dies out quickly but passionately or it stays static in the distance. There’s something about me that draws you in but also tells you to keep your distance.

I feel like a highly potent, highly addictive substance: it has to be in measured in rationed doses because I’m very easy to overdose on. I seem like a lot of fun at first, and then I begin to overwhelm your life. This causes me to keep my distance in my way, although I love interacting with people very much. I’m not overly complaining but this can be… depressing.

Taking medication to make me easier to deal with, goes against what I believe in and yet I’ve always loved taking drugs and altering my senses so again… another contradiction. Loving people always disappoints me because I love to a level that is frankly smothering, but yet I’m not jaded to it because I feel so much of it so often.

I know life is a struggle for everyone, but I’d like to find a way to struggle instead of drown I think and something in me tells me that more chemical dependency just isn’t the way.. even though at times I can’t sleep for nights to the point I need real sedatives to knock me out. I’ve tried gravol, melatonin, benadryl, not napping during the day, ridiculous amounts of exercise, yoga and meditation.

Without sedation, this brain doesn’t shut off. How the fuck do I live with this, because I love sleep so very much. It’s healing, it’s a break, the dreams can inspire, confuse or you forget them. I love to be comfortable, and snuggled up. I like when my head finally takes a break but I find it so hard to get there.

You’d think being so conflicted, and isolated I would want to end it all. That’s never really been the issue though, I’ve never seriously felt like I wanted to die (although I’ve pictured it many times).. I much prefer inflicting harm on myself.

I like to feel and yet it overwhelms me. I could contradict forever, it’s endless.

 

 

I wish I could grow out of the addict mindset

I used to sort of feel like it was a challenge when someone (especially someone with training, a “professional” if you will) would tell me that I was an addict, and that would never change no matter how much I abstained from certain substances it would resurface in some way- somehow. That’s just how my brain is wired, and no amount of habit changing would ever, ever “fix” that.

So if I intoxicated myself in some way, and didn’t binge for a few days, and was able to call it quits at some point I congratulated myself. I was beating addiction, I can change the way my brain functions.. craving self indulgence to excess.

However, I see now how it resurfaces in many, many ways. If I’m not over indulging, obsessing over drugs and alcohol its smoking, a food, a person, a place, a song, yoga, playing music and singing, school, buying makeup, reading, knitting, dresses…. it’s something. As long as it makes my brain feel good, and has something to focus intensely on that’s it. 

I mean, it’s not necessarily negative as that is entirely subjective, if you focus this on positive things it can make you very successful at something. I would know this, but with my ADD traits I tend to focus on something obsessively for a while, master it quickly and then move onto something else. I can still do this thing I just rarely tend to because I’ve found something else. 

I mean, I suppose this is just a short observation but… it feels sort of like a defeat, like I’m “resigning” myself to this personality-type. I feel like I’m letting… myself down by being, myself I guess.

333 Words

Have you ever felt yourself inexplicably drawn in by an individual?

Something you can’t quite put your finger on is captivating- and your mind begins to obsess. Let’s not beat around the bush: it is obsession. What else do you call constantly thinking about someone, all day, every day- even in your dreams.

I don’t enjoy admitting that my mind operates this way, but it does. Maybe I sound a bit crazy to some, but I believe there’s a reason some people captivate me more than others. There’s something compatible about their energy, their “vibe” so to speak. I can feel their presence within me, and hearing from them makes everything seem okay.

I don’t feel quite so co-dependent these days, I am perfectly capable of functioning on my own but it doesn’t change these feelings of intensity.

I feel afraid, excited and secure all at once.

Feelings of uncertainty harbor anxiety, but despite this there is some sort of inner calm I feel. As if I know how it will all turn out, the question is how long it takes.

I think that my addictive personality is linked to feeling in such an intense, empathetic way. I get so overwhelmed by these sensations that I feel the need to dull it somehow. The issue with this is that I miss out, or misread, instead of finding the clarity and certainty I need I find myself feeling blocked. 

I woke up very early this morning, anyone who knows me will know that isn’t something I do well unless I force myself. I’m an incredibly light sleeper, but because it’s often difficult for me to fall asleep and I feel emotionally drained a lot of the time- I find myself wanting to stay in bed as long as I possibly can.

Maybe it’s because I’m sick, but maybe it’s the charge of energy I’ve been feeling the last while finally coming to the surface. I feel a balance I haven’t felt in a while.

Psychedelics and Their Positive Correlation with Mental Health

 

Psychedelics and Their Positive Correlation with Mental Health

By Katherine Brown – 000360536

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

COMM-LL041-44

Jason Dale

Mohawk College

 

Due to the propaganda and social stigma surrounding prohibited substances, many people are ignorant to the vast differences between psilocybin and chemical drugs. The content to follow will discuss the correlation between psychedelics, primarily psilocybin (also known to many as “magic mushrooms”) and improved mental health symptoms. This paper will describe the lack of negative, lasting physical and psychological effects. How psychedelics can be used as treatment for anxiety and depression, treatment for substance use disorders and addiction, as well as the effect that psychedelics have on a person’s mental health and well-being overall. The focus of this paper will be on psilocybin, although the use of other “classic” psychedelics (such as peyote, mescaline and LSD) will be mentioned as well.

To begin, a study was performed on patients with cancer of which consisted of 62% of the participating individuals in late-stage cancers which the participants received doses of psilocybin in a controlled, supervised setting. The types of cancers ranged from: breast cancer, reproductive cancers, digestive cancers, leukemia, lymphoma, or “miscellaneous.” All participants suffered from anxiety, with 90% meeting the criteria for adjustment disorders. Not to mention that significant symptoms of depression are present in 30-40% of patients with cancer in hospitalized settings. (Yearsley, C. 2017) Psychedelic plants have been used for millennia in celebrations, or for religious and healing purposes. Common uses for psychedelics include: “mystical” experiences, curiosity, and introspection. (Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. 2013) Growing studies link existential and spiritual wellbeing with an improved quality of life, and treatments with pharmaceutical drugs for adjustment disorders show high rates of relapse and significant side effects. (Yearsley, C. 2017) The controlled trial performed on these cancer patients had quite significant results as there were no serious adverse effects, and no medical intervention was needed. None of the participants exhibited compulsive or addictive behaviours with psilocybin. There were no cases of prolonged or lasting psychosis, hallucination or persisting perception disorder. The only notable physical side effects were light headaches, and some migraines.

Some of the participants were given a placebo as to measure the different outcomes. Of those who received psilocybin, 83% met the criteria for antidepressant response, with significant improvements in their attitudes towards death. Just over half of the participants said the experience was the “singular most spiritually significant experience of their lives”, while 70 and 87% respectively reported the experience as the most personally meaningful, and increased “satisfaction” in their overall wellbeing due to the experience. (Yearsley, C. 2017)

As for those who suffer from substance use disorders, there is often an underlying mental illness that the substance use is a symptom of. Emotional development can be extremely difficult while someone is abusing drugs.

Between 1999 and 2008 110 participants suffering from substance use disorders received 1-4 doses of psilocybin with most reporting that they experienced “profound changes in mood, perception, thought and self-experience” as influenced by their experience. Negative experiences were uncommon within the study, and a quarter of the participants reported improved relationships with others and only 7% reported negative changes which could be due to outside factors. Compared to when the participants received other psychoactive and often addictive drugs: those who were given psilocybin reported the experience as having had substantial personal meaning and spiritual significance. (Bogenschutz, M. P. 2017)

The current methods for addiction treatment are often ineffective as it seems that something different works for every individual, often taking multiple tries before there is success and even so, there is sadly a high relapse rate in individuals suffering from addiction.

A was study done examining the response rate to an “altered state of mind” using psilocybin as compared to a non-drug altered state of mind using hyperventilation and placebo. (Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013) There has been a fair amount of promising research regarding the use of psychedelics but due to their criminalization there has been a domino effect of social and political concerns. Studies show that psychedelics as treatment for substance abuse compared with the conventional forms show a lot less mental harm, and with a lower rate of relapse than the alternative.

Many of the controlled trials done on psychedelics ceased after the 1960s as they began to become associated with the “hippie” counterculture which let to their criminalization and near disappearance from scientific literature. (Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013) In fact only a single study on LSD, and five concurrent studies on psilocybin are available at ClinicalTrials.gov with the latter study focusing on the biology of psilocybin as well as its therapeutic value on illness-related anxiety, spirituality and addiction.

Despite the chemical differences between the classic psychedelics (mescaline, peyote, ayahuasca and dimethyltryptamine or ibogaine) their effects are incredibly similar in their clinical and subjective response. These experiences are gauged by changes in visuals, physical and mental perceptions. Visuals such as geometric patterning, body sensations, and cognitive effects like metaphysical experiences and psychological insights are some of the effects experienced while taking psilocybin. (Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013) There has been a growing analogue of evidence-based research showing psychedelics and their relevancy to the treatment of addiction, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and PTSD. Death-related anxiety is another as it has been widely reported that those to take psychedelics have developed a better outlook on death. Likely since many users report spiritual, metaphysical and introspective experiences. (Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013)

Psychedelics seem to have a positive effect on specific disorders, but also on mental health in a generalized sense. More than 30 million people in the US alone have taken LSD, psilocybin or mescaline. Classic psychedelics are not known to cause brain damage, or internal damage to the organs. They do not cause withdrawal symptoms, compulsive or addictive use, or even birth defects and genetic damage. (Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. 2013)

Psychedelics can, however cause a period of emotional turmoil and confusion during the immediate effects for some users, but such effects very rarely persist throughout the rest of the experience. They are not regarded to encourage violent or dangerous behaviour leading to death or suicide. Studies examining the effects of LSD and psilocybin are seen to cause significantly less harm than alcohol, tobacco and other recreational drugs.

In a sample study done on 130,152 individuals with 21,979 reporting a lifetime use of psychedelics found that the respondents with lifetime use were more likely to have had used all classes of illicit drugs, and had experienced at least more than one traumatic event. (Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. 2013) Psychedelic users had higher rates of mental health issues to which they had adjusted. Lifetime psilocybin users had strongly connected with lower rates of impairment mental health treatment, psychiatric prescriptions and specifically lower rates of panic attacks with females having the lowest rate of psychotic symptom. Lifetime use of mescaline/peyote was associated with a lower rate of medication needed, and not seeking mental health treatment while lifetime psychedelic use overall was strongly associated with a lack of the seven psychiatric symptoms. (Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. 2013)

Lastly, a study was done to test the hypothesis that psilocybin grants access to the personal memories and emotions by comparing “subjective neural responses” to “positive autobiographical memories with both psilocybin and placebos. (Carhart-Harris, R. L., Leech, R., Williams, T. M., Erritzoe, D., Abbasi, N., Bargiotas, T., & … Nutt, D. J. 2012) Participants were given intravenous doses of lab synthesized psilocybin. The ratings of memory, and vividness were significantly higher with those who had taken psilocybin and there was a positive connection between vividness and subjective-well being found after follow up. These results do imply that psilocybin may be useful in psychotherapy either as a tool to recall dormant memories, and to reverse negative cognitive biases. (Carhart-Harris, R. L., Leech, R., Williams, T. M., Erritzoe, D., Abbasi, N., Bargiotas, T., & … Nutt, D. J. 2012)

In the 1960s, psychedelics were used to lower psychological defenses and to encourage introspection, however the term “lowering of defences” was thought to be a decrease in emotional control. There are many reports of individuals re-living an event under psychedelics, and brain scans performed on participants showed a significant connection between “emotion” scores and “vividness.” Once the data had returned and was complete, it was found that reports of “well-being” were significantly higher in those who had taken psilocybin as opposed to placebos. Brain scans showed more activity in the bilateral auditory cortex (the area of the brain that interprets music, speech and other sounds), the somatosensory complex (which interprets all of the senses), the superior parietal cortex (which controls spatial awareness), and even the entire visual processing center. (Carhart-Harris, R. L., Leech, R., Williams, T. M., Erritzoe, D., Abbasi, N., Bargiotas, T., & … Nutt, D. J. 2012)

To conclude, the “war on drugs” and criminalization of psychedelics has made it somewhat of a taboo topic despite its use globally for thousands of years. New information on the topic is either sparse, or has to be done illegally so it can take some time for it to come out due to the safety and freedom of those involved. However, the studies done have been promising. It can be said with certainty that psychedelics are not for everyone, as some of those who take them experience emotional turmoil and confusion or even a small percentage with psychosis. It has to do with a person’s frame of mind, and other factors that aren’t yet known due to the fact that it is illegal and clinical testing is limited.

There is very promising research to show that physically: psychedelics will not harm an individual, and that any mental side effects are short lived. However, the majority of the participants in the studies listed appear to have had incredibly enlightening, spiritual, and personally profound experiences while taking psilocybin, and other psychedelics. They have been used to improve the lives of cancer patients, and to those suffering from mental illness and addiction: aiding in their outlooks on life, and to find a sense of peace.

 

 

References

 

Bogenschutz, M. P. (2017). Innovative Strategies for Addressing Substance Use Disorders: The Classic Hallucinogens. Psychiatric Times, 34(4), 1-7.   (2)

Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013. A proposal to evaluate mechanistic efficacy of hallucinogens in addiction treatment. The American Journal Of Drug And Alcohol Abuse, 39(5), 291-297. doi:10.3109/00952990.2013.811513   (5)

Carhart-Harris, R. L., Leech, R., Williams, T. M., Erritzoe, D., Abbasi, N., Bargiotas, T., & … Nutt, D. J. (2012). Implications for psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy: functional magnetic resonance imaging study with psilocybin. The British Journal Of Psychiatry: The Journal Of Mental Science, 200(3), 238-244. doi:10.1192/bjp.bp.111.103309   (4)

Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. (2013). Psychedelics and Mental Health: A Population Study. Plos ONE, 8(8), 1-9. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0063972   (3)

Yearsley, C. (2017). Psilocybin Reduces Symptoms of Anxiety and Depression in Patients with Cancer in Two Clinical Trials. Herbalgram, (114), 38-42.   (1)

 

 

An empath who constantly goes for narcissists

I notice a trend in the men I date: they are narcissists, or mostly so with brief moments of compassion clouded by self-righteousness. I know we tend to search for our opposites in a way, and as someone who typically has good intuition… I don’t see these traits immediately for some reason.

The men I date love to unload their grievances onto me, because I listen well. They shower me with compliments, and make me feel good while we’re together… but as soon as the personal and emotional aspect is removed they begin to take me for granted again. I date men with low levels of emotional maturity, who display alarmingly selfish behavior and tend to blame their own personal shortcomings on me or everyone but themselves.

This is literally what has ended up happening in each guy I let in, and allow myself to be authentic with.

I laugh at myself because I always go for someone entirely different (seemingly) each time but somehow, the same traits resurface rather abruptly when the need to impress me is no longer present. It’s little things: so many compliments one day, telling me that I’m “beautiful” or “intelligent” or “fun” or “clever”, expressing gratitude to the abrupt jump of many harsh judgements (which often are hypocritical as well).

Things tend to be okay until I require a bit of selflessness, and then the tables turn. Suddenly I am unreasonable for wanting not even half of the love I put into something. I mean, at least when this behavior comes up again I see right through it and suddenly all of their bitterness and burned bridges make perfect sense.

Even the small things I should see as a sign… guys meet you, “like” your photos on Facebook and Instagram when they are looking to impress you but as soon as they believe they “have” you it ceases. They don’t want people to know that you’re together, but God forbid I spend time with someone else or look for what I’m not getting from them elsewhere.

God forfuckingbid I have human emotions too.

I wasn’t even looking for a serious thing this time, I definitely did not not want to be someone’s girlfriend as that’s always a crock of shit and men are in fact so much needier than we are. I don’t want to belong to you, I want to be my own person and be able to do whatever I feel is best.

This is just like every other asshole to be honest, I begin to resent relationships more and more as I grow older and would prefer to just not give someone the chance to call me their’s for a while. I would rather get the one thing you can give me, and leave. Let’s not pretend there was ever anything more than an ego stroke, look at you bagging a pretty girl.. it’s a shame most of you cannot handle a woman with substance, with a mind, an opinion, a sense of identity, who has way too much love to give, has passion and is willing to put up with your bullshit to a degree you’ll be hard pressed to find elsewhere.

You know what every guy I’ve dated has done? Said they loved me and wanted me back when I realized I was better off without them. I don’t know why it goes this way, perhaps it is the difference in the way in which we process things as males and females but it’s satisfying.

I’m proud of myself, the last two “breakups” (if you could even call this a breakup, it would have had to have emotional substance to be that) I’ve endured I have felt moments of anger and sadness but then something clicks and I see the person and the situation for what and who they truly are. I don’t feel sad about the loss, I am just angry with myself for believing this time was different.

I date men who make me feel badly about myself most of the time. I give myself to them fully, care for them, make them feel important and in return I am taken advantage of constantly and then cast aside when the realization strikes that they’ll have to reciprocate something in order to keep me around.

I don’t know how people can use and toss someone aside so easily and live with themselves, but perhaps that’s the difference between us truly. You pretend to be someone you can only emulate, and I cannot help but to be authentic.

I was feeling rather distraught earlier, but now all I feel is relief.

Watch what you say

Today- (technically yesterday) has reinforced in me the reality that no one will ever except you for who I am entirely. – I should know this, which is why high school was such hell for me. I’m sure many of you deal with this, but I suppose I take it a bit harder than the average individual. I’m not so good at the practical “pretending” aspect- the acting like I don’t feel what I truly do, I know I’m open to a degree that makes most people extremely uncomfortable. Even those who I communicate with regularly often tend to take some time in “ignoring” me, before they answer so they can calculate their answers carefully.

I would like to take this time to say that I am a tough-ass bitch, and I can take a lot inspite of what I may seem like some days..

Whether you know that I’m an addict or not, when people get too close- they back away and I need to remember that. As long as I can remember- who I am as a person, the personal aspect I can’t seem to change.. Hard as I try some parts of me I cannot seem to change in some sense… and no one likes it.

Those who accept me still hesitate, I am viewed as fragile when in fact its the opposite. Apparently it seems I can only make true friends with those who can feel that vulnerable, emotional aspect of addiction are willing to put up with my variation- which I would like to add is no easy feat.

Don’t get me wrong, I know of all people that addicts in my particular “flavor” are incredibly difficult to deal with… not that it makes you a “bad” person if you can’t handle me.. but regardless, it still hurts me. I come to a point where I feel like I can be “me” with no reservations and I feel I’ve been rejected for that. I am the problem, I am the common denominator and I realize that I have to hide a side of myself in order to maintain most relationships. Maybe it’s just realistic, but it still hurts knowing the full expression of myself is too much for anyone to deal with.

Which, again I agree is completely reasonable.. but it still hurts. I don’t know anyone else like me with the mix of sexual trauma, addiction, grief, physical abuse and self-loathing that feels like this… I meet so many people that I connect with and I believe that I can be 100% me.

Perhaps for many of you- you think you can be yourself to the fullest degree but with myself it blows up in my face. I see that one of my biggest faults is honesty to a level that isn’t “normal.” You see that critical self-evaluation that I should keep to myself. Some things are in fact, better off fought alone.

Many people would disagree, but how could you say that who I am is accepted if you aren’t me and haven’t faced so much distance and stigmatization. All I can think is that there is just something largely and inherently wrong with me that no one can cope with, not that that means there’s anything wrong with you. It’s literally just me, and I in my moments of weakness I believe I am better off alone.

I don’t mean to be a bummer, but when I keep more to myself (albeit how painful it can be) things tend to work out better relationship wise.

But here’s the issue: I don’t know how to be someone I’m not… and I feel like when another individual says that’s just “the way they are”, it’s accepted- but when I attempt to express the same thing it’s just seen as me being “stubborn” or “difficult” or even “manipulative” because of the way my words make others feel.

Anyone reading this who may believe it’s directed at them, know it isn’t. I’m just experiencing an intolerance and loathing for myself. It’s clearly not you, and it’s me as I can see now, and I’m sorry I displayed parts of myself that should have remained hidden. I don’t always know how to differentiate between what is “okay” to say and what isn’t at times, I’m incredibly impulsive. I know it may seem that I am looking for pity at times, but please believe me when I say it’s the last thing I am looking for… I’ve just gone through enough deaths and bullshit I sometimes forget how to pose things in the way I should for the sake of others.

I apologize for being so selfish. I’m sure to some it seems like I’m being manipulative, which is a difficult line to attempt to not cross when I wish to express myself fully.. but this is my blog. I swear to anything relevant that it’s not my attempt: you cannot see what is in my heart but I’m just trying to be authentic and failing miserably. I am making matters worse, and please, please believe me when I say nothing feels more like a failure at this point in my life.

After such heightened emotions today I attempted calling my counselor but she was unavailable… and then I have no idea where to channel these emotions other than my blog wherein an individual can choose whether they respond or not.

This “bpd” side of me doesn’t know what to do: it just wants to be loved and accepted for who I am truly… and even by my family I am judged for how I deal with my emotions.. because it isn’t socially acceptable.. but I’ve also hurt them in an irreversible way

Some days I just want to be alone for extended periods of time and yet I still feel like I could do some good in sharing my “socially unacceptable” feelings… but they seem to be continuously misinterpreted. Either I am “playing the victim” “being manipulative” “lying” or “taking advantage of the situation” when I choose to be authentic.. and that always fucks it up.

I try my best to post positive blogs, but some days I just don’t feel it. Apologies for those who are reading this in a fragile state of mind, I will post a “trigger warning.”

All I can say at this point is that I’m sorry.. those of you who’ve read this far in spite of my sad days… cheers.

Clever Blog Title #2

I’ll be the first to admit that I have attachment issues. Codependency paired with a crippling fear of abandonment and anxiety. So anyone who follows my blog will remember the agony I went through this summer in falling in love. Whenever I really like someone, I spend so much time agonizing over whether or not I should be open about how much I like them.

Cosmopolitan says men love a chase.

So it must be true.

I know I can come on a little strong, I’m an intense person but it kind of sucks feeling like you have to dial yourself back constantly? So I let out the silly, sassy and sarcastic side of myself easily but when it comes to being vulnerable I have an issue.

I’ve come to the point where I assume either no one finds the things sweet, endearing or attractive that I do OR there are so few that chances I connect who loves like this is pretty fucking slim and is that even a bad thing? Perhaps my intense nature would be tripled and I would combust.

My best friend is probably as weird as me, but I think it overwhelms him because he disappears for years at a time and watches me from afar. I’ve come to accept him for who he is, and I don’t even get upset anymore. Every time you look at your ass and see our tattoo you have to think of me, but we both know you didn’t need that. I can’t explain him to people because they wouldn’t get it so I don’t bother.

I don’t know anymore: good things hurt me. Pleasure hurts me, pain pleases me and I can’t see the line sometimes. I have always said that I am enamored by that dark side of my mind. It’s the reason I write in the first place, and cry listening to a really good song but I suppose I wouldn’t need to if it didn’t exist.. I don’t know what it is about being in the pits of despair and finding it beautiful but that’s just how it is.

I’m not afraid to be alone. I’ve come to respect, and perhaps not always adore myself but I certainly tolerate and appreciate myself enough now that I don’t need to be smacked out 24/7 or not alone.

There is something so terrifying and yet thrilling about feeling like I have no choice in something and that I am just destined/doomed/driven by some unseen force.

I’m an unnervingly open person at times, no shame in my past in heroin addiction. I’m still a heroin addict, and I still fucking love heroin but I can’t do it anymore because it destroys me. My greatest love and greatest downfall.

When I’ve done anything hard it awakens this monster that I’ve kept locked away and unfed for so long that only feels satisfied when I can’t move for a moment and I feel like I’m one more hit away from death. It’s voracious.

Funny how I stopped writing when I was using because of how afraid of myself I was.

I’m still afraid, mainly if I end up caring what you think because most people I could give a fuck what they think of me. Because I can’t change the core of who I am, I can change how I handle it and who I show it to but who I am is something I hope people can accept.

But at least my dog loves me.

I guess I should start writing again

Something in me has fucking changed.
I believed I fell in love this summer but I think it was more of a self destructive infatuation. I’ve often been the type of girl who sticks in long term relationships, but I am coming to a point where I would rather avoid it for a while. Like maybe I fare better on my own, when I have no one to take care of and I can just have fun.

My guilt complex wouldn’t usually allow me to feel this way, and I don’t feel “jaded” per se. I just need a fucking break from being someone’s girlfriend. Being expected to be home, be faithful. I do all of the extras too like do their laundry, cook for them, pack them lunches, back rubs, listening to all of the rambling when we’re out of our minds.

I notice the same tendencies in the men and women I date, and perhaps that says more about me than anything else.

When I broke up with my first and second long-term boyfriends, respectively I went through quite a lot of emotional turmoil. I drank myself into blackouts for two months straight with the first, and with the second… let’s just say I made some poor decisions.

But with this most current “breakup” it was only a couple of months but it was heavy, because of the poisonous mixture of our similar and polar opposite characteristics. So addicting but very toxic. Mixed signals, screaming matches… perhaps it isn’t a good idea to date someone with a temper as hot as your own? Or another addict… but I have a problem with problems.

It fucked with my recovery, my mental health, and dating someone who is a sociopath who believes they are an empath is an extremely frustrating scenario. Denial. It wreaked havoc on me in the beginning, but interestingly enough as time progressed I just became numb to the entire experience.

And yet, despite my tendency to become attached to people way too quickly here I am not giving a fuck about this entire situation. I just don’t care. I don’t know why, I did love and care for him but as time progressed and I could see he had nothing for me underneath that very believable front I guess I realized I wasn’t losing anything.

It sounds harsh, but it’s just my experience.
I haven’t shed a single tear since I ended this, and typically I invest my entire self into my relationships and I feel so torn apart afterwards but I just feel nothing other than a mild annoyance, and just empathy mixed with a bit of pity.

Watching someone struggle with addiction is extremely difficult for me, and I feel responsible in some strange way, perhaps as another addict, that I must do something to help you through this. Watching the denial, hearing the exact same things I used to say come out of his mouth like: “I’ll just do it once a while, I can’t stop completely.” “I need this to work.” “I’ll just get it in higher quality, so I don’t need as much.” is fucking heartbreaking.

I resonate with other addicts better than anyone else, so everything is more intense with them: conversations, trips, sex, or any form of intimacy is so utterly intoxicating but on a level that is a bit dangerous.

I do everything with such intensity that it’s hard not to become addicted again.

Dedicated to my sad girls

Some people try to avoid feeling sad

I have always felt so drawn by it, and I never understood why before
Something so beautiful in the melancholy
Sadness is profound, and vast
It must be respected
It’s like death
It makes us angry, and question life but it is necessary and it is one of the few things that make enough sense to come back to

My sadness gives me purpose
My sadness enables me to create

I find my strengths within my weaknesses