I am not afraid to say that I am feeling incomplete.
In fact, I believe it makes me stronger to come to terms with that.
What do I want out of life, ultimately?
I want to help people, help other addicts, and those struggling with their mental illnesses. All I have ever wanted as long as I can remember, was to help people. Something that gives me purpose is making people smile, or remember that they do matter and are important. There is also something deeply frustrating about being unable to help someone.
Or rather that they won’t accept your help.
I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, and I would like to have a family of my own.
I’m not sure what to do with myself.
Something deep inside of me is telling me that this is wrong. That its not worth simply giving up on so easily… I’m finding it difficult to remain patient. I’m afraid.
I am avoiding addictions counselling… not intentionally because usually I can find a legitimate reason to rebook. I do know I am avoiding it though… I know what she’s going to say to me about this situation, and either I disagree or am not ready to hear this.
Dealing with a breakup when you’re in recovery, have BPD and anxiety… it’s a rollercoaster.
I am aware of what is my “shit” and what is me… usually. But it doesn’t make the pain I’m feeling less real. Doesn’t change the fact that when I wake up each morning I feel my heart being wrenched from my chest again.
I don’t know how to deal with this… I’ve always shot up, or even after I quit using heroin I drank myself into alcohol induced psychosis every night for a few months. I was so so tempted to just break my resolve, to just give in and give up these first couple of weeks but something still stopped me. I physically harmed myself… but not to end my life. To calm myself.
I am well aware that that isn’t a healthy coping mechanism. It is a plus that I seem to be losing the extra weight I’ve gained in methadone maintenance treatment now that my dose is coming down. I have been a lot more confident lately, so there’s also that.
I have self esteem.
I know it isn’t difficult to find someone who I find attractive who also finds me attractive. I know that there are many people who wait their entire lives to meet someone who loves with the capacity that I do. That there are people who value a woman who will take care of them, write them little notes, massage their scalp and back until they fall asleep. That there are countless qualities I possess that someone would kill for.
It’s not so much a fear of being unable to find someone else…
I’ve been a bit hesitant to post these feelings on here, because I was concerned this would be read by the subject. I don’t know that that’s very likely though, if someone wanted to know what I was feeling would they not just reach out to me?
Maybe not, people are often not sensible creatures.
I don’t know where to put these feelings.
When my previous relationship ended I was at least still in contact with that person. I had the luxury of knowing that they were doing as okay as could be. Hearing his voice and laugh.
I saw my subject here yesterday… it was surreal. He has been so cold and distant and even at some times cruel over text messages. We only spoke on the phone one time and got into a rather big yelling match and I hung up on him. He seemed almost happy to see me? Maybe that isn’t the right word… but not unhappy. He was looking at me like he used to, he said he would stay to talk if he could (he had a legitimate reason to leave quickly), and was the one who reached to hug first. He held me for a while too.
I don’t believe for one second that he is playing mind games on purpose. I believe is confused and has a lot of pain from now and the past he has to work through.
I know I need to accept the circumstances, and I have accepted them.
I’m not going to beg, or plead. I’m not going to ask someone to feel something they might not feel or make a choice they need time to think on.
I don’t know that it would be a good idea anyhow considering there was a lot that he did that makes me question whether or not he truly loved/loves me or at least respected me.
I also know that people make mistakes. I have made mistakes. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life away from the people who I’ve hurt or else I wouldn’t have a family anymore.
It doesn’t matter at this point that I forgive. That I am working on changing the things about myself that need to be changed because, if someone doesn’t want it to work out then it won’t. You’re consigning yourself to a failed relationship when you have that belief. You leave no room for forgiveness or companionship if you doubt it.
It is a strange sort of depression.
Maybe depression isn’t the right word… I feel empty and incomplete.
I feel like I’m going through the psychological withdrawals of quitting opiate drugs again.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, or how to handle the intense emotions that come up. I can’t even take the medication I used to take for panic attacks because of how it interacts with methadone.
No one’s company warms me enough.
Nothing really quite distracts me.
I am trying, and I’m taking care of myself. I’m doing my school work, I’m going to yoga a lot and working my ass of to get to my goal weight now that it’s finally dropping. I’m looking forward to starting college in September, I’m looking forward to being 100% off of methadone. I’m taking myself out to get pretty dresses and pretty underwear. I am taking care of myself and I don’t feel lonely, because being with people doesn’t make it better.
I don’t know what to think or how to feel.
I would like to start feeling better, I just don’t know how.
Everyone keeps offering unsolicited advice. People don’t know how else to react when you’re upset, especially for a prolonged time. Strangers, acquaintances, friends and loved ones alike are all offering advice that I simply don’t want.
From a taxi driver to the closest of close. I don’t like to bring this up, but when people ask how your boyfriend is doing… you feel you have to say something sometimes. Whether or not the advice is “I didn’t like him for you,” or “It’s for the best,” or “He’ll come around, don’t worry,” or “He doesn’t deserve you anyhow!”
I know you’re just trying to help. But how about “I want you to be happy,”
That is a nice sentiment, because if I want your advice I will ask for it. What I really want is to work this out for myself and make my own choices and have my own space to do so. I might feel differently in a few weeks but the first few have me feeling this way.