Sometimes I forget about the fact that I have this ‘shit’ I deal with… I have yet to come up with a better term than mental illness but I’ll get there. Although there are instances where the way that I act shows me that in ways I am sick. I forget because a lot of the time, although I am overthinking and perhaps anxious it is usually manageable. I forget because a lot of the time I can find a good balance between my emotion and logic (anyone who has taken DBT may be envisioning that venndiagram of logic, emotion and clarity right now)- but I am reminded in times of great emotional distress when my thoughts and emotions go haywire.
Having intense emotions isn’t all bad, and when managed correctly can be quite wonderful when you’re in love because you are just so consumed by it. There are quite obviously downsides to this… like the insecurity in wondering, sometimes knowing that maybe no one will ever love you back to this level of intensity. The sting of rejection is your worst fears being realized, and critisism can be extremely difficult to hear because you are already so self-critical.
I have mostly come to peace with the fact that I have harmed myself in some way since I was 12. But sometimes, when I look down at my arms I feel sad, and self-concious. I’m a human being after all. Some of my permanent track marks, now looking like a long curved line along my veins, some of the scars or craters from abscesses and infections from IV drug use. I like to think of them as battle scars, and reminders of what I’ve overcome.
I think, to some degree, we all go through some variation of these phases during the period of time following a breakup: sadness, pain, wistfulness, anger, and acceptance. In my case, I had gotten so very fed up with certain behaviors from my partner, and the way I acted because of this that we got into a very explosive argument and I said I was done. Like most people who get very angry, and make a life-altering decision in anger, I came to rethink my actions. I worried I had made a mistake, and I even tried writing a list of pros and cons (I could mostly only come up with cons) but something deeply irrational, and sick had woken up inside of me and was taking over.
If I have any advice for someone who regrets breaking up with someone, or wants someone back if they are the one broken up with: wait.
Because even while I was feeling this way, I could see the way I was coming off. I could see my texts going from miserable, to angry, to suicidal, to apathetic, to neutral. I know how I would feel getting messages like this from someone, but that is beyond the point. I don’t care if someone thinks I’m crazy, I care about getting through this, my future, mental and physical health.
I was feeling like I was willing to change, which I still am, and have been writing down what exactly I need to work on to better myself and future relationship. However, I was feeling so… unwell that I was willing to be the only one who changed. The truth is that he wasn’t treating me very well anymore, (although it wasn’t always that way) and didn’t appear to respect or value me very much at all. Seeking love, and commitment from someone who takes you for granted, who isn’t willing to work through the bad to get back to the good will make you crazy. Respect yourself, accept the qualities that need some work, work on them and embrace the ones that you know are truly good.
I like to say that uncertainty and anxiety are both lovers and enemies. Perhaps they are in an abusive relationship? They feed off of eachother but they are a toxic combination.
I have finally, for a few weeks now completely cut off contact for the most part. I don’t hate him or think hes a bad person, if I did I wouldn’t have dated him for a year and a half. It would be easy to focus on his shortcomings and not my own, but I am the only factor in this I have any control over. Because of this I have decided not to delete or block him from social media or my phone, but I have unfollowed him and have only spoken to him on a couple of occasions and remained emotionally neutral. In not speaking to him, slowly but surely I think of him less each day. The pain, its still present but its fading. I know this will take time and I accept that, because I owe it to myself to work through this fully so that history doesn’t repeat itself. The more time goes by, the more I feel that this was the right decision. I don’t know if I have some sort of cosmic path written for me in the stars, but things turn out the way they do for one reason or another in the end.
You just need to wait it out sometimes and trust that things will turn out for the best. One day can seem like an eternity when you are wating for something that may never happen, but when you are just letting life sort of happen the days go by with a bit more ease.