No one knows how to handle mental illness.
Even the mentally ill, perhaps especially those of us who haven’t had any sort of treatment as we aren’t always the best equipped to take on the burdens of another.
I always thought of myself as empathetic, but I believe that DBT helped to show me how to express that empathy. People won’t automatically know you can see, or feel that they are hurting, angry, happy, etc.
Everyone says they’ll stick around, and that they accept your flaws, love your flaws even until they become an inconvenience. The issue with this, is we take your promises to heart. We believe you. Maybe this sounds silly to those with a more rational mind, because why would we believe anyone who says such things that are dis-proven time, and time again?
Obviously I need to work on myself, all of us do from time to time. Its the hope that someone will be willing to bear through those moments of illness, irrationality, fear and distress to get back to something better. That someone will see the worthwhile qualities through the difficult ones.
At times I am not easy to love, but I am an incredibly loving person. I pick up on small things, and they affect me in a big way. I know when you aren’t attracted to me anymore, or disinterested, and I know when things are coming to an end. I still have hope until that very end, but I’m still crushed.
This time, I chose to walk away. I made this choice in anger… and I did second guess myself, but I was hoping that things would be different. Both parties need to be willing to change in order for something to work out, and he wasn’t willing to do that. I think what has hurt me the most in all of this, is knowing that he doesn’t care about how I’m doing. He was either very good at lying to me, or lying to himself these past few months.
I don’t believe hes a bad person, but certainly very bad for me. I suppose I did, in this case make a good decision in anger. It was one I had seen coming for quite some time… sometimes you need to trust your instincts, even if there’s a small part of you that wants to ignore them.
I realize now that I deserve so much better. No amount of gifts, and nice dinners can make up for time spent together, honesty, commitment, compassion, and a degree of selflessness.
I got so caught up in falling in love, and being in love that I chose to ignore the fact that at some point I stopped receiving love, attention, honesty and fidelity. Or perhaps believing that I didn’t deserve better?
I think when a breakup happens, it’s better to focus on your own flaws that need adjusting as I said before. However, it’s also important to remind yourself of the reasons you were unhappy. Wishing for something that never was there in the first place, will drive you insane.
I am using this time to try to allow parts of myself I’ve had to stifle the past year and a half to flourish. I can be myself and not worry about bringing out the insecurity and jealousy in someone else. I think I do belong in a relationship, it suits me well being able to care for someone.. but I have to keep reminding myself that I owe it to myself, and my future partner to take some time to grieve, and grow.
I need a lot of time alone right now. I need to not give in to the expectations of others for a while, and just do what feels good. I find it difficult to not feel guilty, because people do have a lot of expectations, and pressure they place on you unknowingly and unintentionally.
I also find it difficult to want to spend time with people when I am feeling down. I am physically taking care of myself, I’m exercising a lot, and eating healthy but I don’t always enjoy talking about how I feel. Some things I just need to work through on my own, I find it more therapeutic to reflect on these revelations afterwards… often others will have additional insights that are indeed helpful. I just don’t know how helpful it would be to angrily ramble, or cry at someone. Not that I don’t allow myself to cry, or get my anger out somehow. It’s just perhaps not in the conventional, expected ways.
I will talk in my own time… I have lost the expectation that people will want to stick around but appreciate if they do.
I would like to take this time to thank my dog for putting up with all of my bullshit.