Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between intuition and delusion. I feel so connected to someone, but maybe they’re just using me? I worry they’re using me, but maybe I’m just being hard on myself? I worry that people just find me overwhelming, or get tired of me too quickly. If I spend a lot of time with someone I fear that they’ll grow to hate me, and my faults- but when I rarely see someone I really enjoy I feel a bit lost.
I feel like I should guard myself from falling in love, heartbreak is a part of life but it makes me want to kill myself when it happens. I know how disappointed I feel when I get my foolish hopes up. I get attached to people too easily, and I get too intense, and then I scare them away. Perhaps I am better off keeping my mouth shut, lest I stick my foot in it again.
So what do I do, keep letting my heart get the best of me and hate myself for it repeatedly or should I just avoid people that I really connect to.. I don’t know how to handle this level of emotional intensity, which is why I have a history of self-medicating. I need to dull my senses somewhat to get through today, tomorrow and so on. I feel like I’m being burned, but that’s not even a good analogy because physical pain is something tangible that I even get enjoyment out of at times. Sadness, melancholy breeds creativity but I feel sometimes that it will be the death of me.
Will people stay around if I act like I don’t care, instead of getting excited about something potentially amazing or will that just push them away further. I feel stuck because in my experience, the only way that someone will want to stay around is if I keep parts of myself hidden. Which is depressing because it leads me to believe that no one can ever love every part of me, or me as a whole because there are parts of me that perhaps no one can love.
Its frustrating, being able to pick up on people’s emotions but having absolutely no idea what they’re truly thinking.
Sometimes I want to smash a brick into my head until the only word I can say is “salad.”