It feels like I’ve been asleep for a very long time. Perhaps asleep isn’t the best description… I feel like I’ve been in a fog that I wasn’t aware of until just now. That parts of me have been sleeping these past few years, and I am realizing that they are still a part of me.
Parts I had suppressed for my own “well-being” in the name of recovery.
I feel so raw, like the outer layer of my skin has been removed and I am exposed to the world. I had forgotten how it felt to be so consumed by a feeling, or another being. To feel afraid and vulnerable but also exhilarated from the uncertainty.
I feel inspired, like I have been quieting my passion because of the way I am sometimes rejected for it. I often tell people, not to feel shame or that there is “something wrong” with them because of these intense emotions, picking up on the emotions of others.. perhaps I should take my own advice? We are rejected by so many people because we are taught from a young age to bury what you feel and perceive if it might make someone “uncomfortable” (which, incidentally is also a product of this upbringing we are subject to on a mass scale).
I get so angry that I shake, I get so sad that I physically feel numb and like my limbs are made of lead, I feel so happy that I could cartwheel instead of walk. I love so hard that it burns me. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the grief of those who I’ve lost both physically and emotionally.
I like to get hurt, and I feel compelled to hurt myself when I feel so intense that I need to bring myself back to my body- but I can’t tell anyone when I feel this way or they feel obligated to stop me.
Because it’ll leave a scar?
I am always looking for some way to channel my emotions, and in many ways I have that. Whether I’m getting tattooed, doing sun salutations, riding my bike, pouring my soul into someone else, writing, playing piano, singing, dancing in the shower or in the crowd… whatever it may be. There is a way to channel these things, but that doesn’t mean we have to eliminate these feelings. It’s merely a way to comprehend them, and ride that wave. I am growing used to some discomfort.
Life is funny sometimes.