I would gladly take on every ounce of pain for you.
Not that I don’t believe you are capable of handling your own burdens, because I know that you are strong.
Just give me all of your sadness, fear, resentment, and anger
I can take the weight
Take it out on me
I’ve been learning to go with my gut, and my heart… and to ignore my pesky brain.
A part of me tells me that I need to run away
But I already know that won’t happen
Something is so satisfying about just giving in
Not to be confused with giving up
Something so helpless and beautiful about losing control
I have always been so focused on keeping certain parts of me in check
Not that I don’t like to be wild, but I often fear letting myself out because of those who cannot handle me
I feel both fearless, and yet terrified
This feels familiar and yet foreign, like something I haven’t ever experienced but somehow it feels like home
This is usually when I run
But something tells me to stay
Bring on the uncertainty, and the pain, anxiousness and disappointment
It’s all a part of this ride
Perhaps I’m the one who’s electric, every feeling big or small is some form of shock that varies in intensity
Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning, being smothered by my mind, the weight can nearly crush my soul
As of late I feel so empowered by my emotions, and this intensity
I have desires, and at times they consume me body, mind and soul
I just don’t feel afraid anymore of what might happen if I take chances
I went from one extreme to the other in how I lived addicted to heroin, to locking myself away in my room the majority of the time
Now that I write that, I realize that isn’t all that different from using heroin
I would go out to score, or to make money and then I would buy drugs and go home
Which is probably why it took so long to realize I was having seizures
I just wanted to be alone with my sickness
But I have lived in such fear these past three years, and of what?
I am not a fragile, broken, little girl who needs to be supervised
It’s not as if deciding to go out on Friday night will mean that I’m suddenly going to wake up in 2013 again.
I just want to do more than simply breathe, I want to live.