How does anyone deal with this

I know…

It’s like coming to this point you’ve been waiting for… when words run too quickly for your mind but you still understand them. Sound rings in your ears as there’s no music that exists that can soothe you. Read and reach out please because I can’t muster the courage even though I feel it within me.

Those eyes you draw…- somehow allow me to overthink what I’m saying, I’m doubting myself again-. My hands guide me and I can’t even explain and its entries like these I feel the most fear in posting for the world to access even though I know they hold the most importance. I can’t control myself although it feels the most instinctual and relevant- and yet I feel the smallest and most insignificant. I feel like I’ve finally found this, and I finally understand yet I’m most afraid to say.

I feel the urge to re-read what I’ve written and yet I won’t.  (I lied- I’m over-analyzing again- but perhaps the beauty in this is phrasing it in a way that it palatable ) When I am most vulnerable my heart races, and I realize my life as an addict has come to this point. For someone to see me as I truly am- a terrifying prospect. “let me rephrase in a way the masses can accept and comprehend” yet something in me refuses. This is me- simply. I am so afraid. Yet it feels empowering to say. – my ears are ringing now –

Everything came together this morning, it makes sense- even if only to me and no one else-  but all I knew is I had to get home.

I wish you were here but something in me knows you are.. this duality which is presence and acceptance of self yet understanding that someone else has the power of balance- I have felt and been searching for so long and it feels okay to rest now. I haven’t been able to really “sleep” undisturbed as long as I can remember…

Its difficult knowing what’s going to happen and having to wait for you to understand.
Maybe it’s different this time.

I feel a clarity I’ve never felt before.
I wonder how I’ve typed so many words without re-reading, and overthinking…

will i finally have the courage to say them?

(But truly, who has the courage to say they accept my thought process is what I’m really curious about)

debating whether or not I should just post without thinking… sleep and wait. Uninhibited is what I aim for right?

Hey, I’m unguarded. Perhaps I’m fucking unhinged but my blog is for my to write out the nonsensical thoughts that occur. It’s terrifying. I’m going to read this and post it anyways.


Is this artistic? knowing your soul makes no fucking sense and showing it to the world nonetheless.

What the fuck is art anyhow. Maybe it’s what feels so beautifully chaotic to you. I’m still so afraid… I guess that’s what makes this feel important.


Psychedelics and Their Positive Correlation with Mental Health


Psychedelics and Their Positive Correlation with Mental Health

By Katherine Brown – 000360536









Jason Dale

Mohawk College


Due to the propaganda and social stigma surrounding prohibited substances, many people are ignorant to the vast differences between psilocybin and chemical drugs. The content to follow will discuss the correlation between psychedelics, primarily psilocybin (also known to many as “magic mushrooms”) and improved mental health symptoms. This paper will describe the lack of negative, lasting physical and psychological effects. How psychedelics can be used as treatment for anxiety and depression, treatment for substance use disorders and addiction, as well as the effect that psychedelics have on a person’s mental health and well-being overall. The focus of this paper will be on psilocybin, although the use of other “classic” psychedelics (such as peyote, mescaline and LSD) will be mentioned as well.

To begin, a study was performed on patients with cancer of which consisted of 62% of the participating individuals in late-stage cancers which the participants received doses of psilocybin in a controlled, supervised setting. The types of cancers ranged from: breast cancer, reproductive cancers, digestive cancers, leukemia, lymphoma, or “miscellaneous.” All participants suffered from anxiety, with 90% meeting the criteria for adjustment disorders. Not to mention that significant symptoms of depression are present in 30-40% of patients with cancer in hospitalized settings. (Yearsley, C. 2017) Psychedelic plants have been used for millennia in celebrations, or for religious and healing purposes. Common uses for psychedelics include: “mystical” experiences, curiosity, and introspection. (Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. 2013) Growing studies link existential and spiritual wellbeing with an improved quality of life, and treatments with pharmaceutical drugs for adjustment disorders show high rates of relapse and significant side effects. (Yearsley, C. 2017) The controlled trial performed on these cancer patients had quite significant results as there were no serious adverse effects, and no medical intervention was needed. None of the participants exhibited compulsive or addictive behaviours with psilocybin. There were no cases of prolonged or lasting psychosis, hallucination or persisting perception disorder. The only notable physical side effects were light headaches, and some migraines.

Some of the participants were given a placebo as to measure the different outcomes. Of those who received psilocybin, 83% met the criteria for antidepressant response, with significant improvements in their attitudes towards death. Just over half of the participants said the experience was the “singular most spiritually significant experience of their lives”, while 70 and 87% respectively reported the experience as the most personally meaningful, and increased “satisfaction” in their overall wellbeing due to the experience. (Yearsley, C. 2017)

As for those who suffer from substance use disorders, there is often an underlying mental illness that the substance use is a symptom of. Emotional development can be extremely difficult while someone is abusing drugs.

Between 1999 and 2008 110 participants suffering from substance use disorders received 1-4 doses of psilocybin with most reporting that they experienced “profound changes in mood, perception, thought and self-experience” as influenced by their experience. Negative experiences were uncommon within the study, and a quarter of the participants reported improved relationships with others and only 7% reported negative changes which could be due to outside factors. Compared to when the participants received other psychoactive and often addictive drugs: those who were given psilocybin reported the experience as having had substantial personal meaning and spiritual significance. (Bogenschutz, M. P. 2017)

The current methods for addiction treatment are often ineffective as it seems that something different works for every individual, often taking multiple tries before there is success and even so, there is sadly a high relapse rate in individuals suffering from addiction.

A was study done examining the response rate to an “altered state of mind” using psilocybin as compared to a non-drug altered state of mind using hyperventilation and placebo. (Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013) There has been a fair amount of promising research regarding the use of psychedelics but due to their criminalization there has been a domino effect of social and political concerns. Studies show that psychedelics as treatment for substance abuse compared with the conventional forms show a lot less mental harm, and with a lower rate of relapse than the alternative.

Many of the controlled trials done on psychedelics ceased after the 1960s as they began to become associated with the “hippie” counterculture which let to their criminalization and near disappearance from scientific literature. (Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013) In fact only a single study on LSD, and five concurrent studies on psilocybin are available at with the latter study focusing on the biology of psilocybin as well as its therapeutic value on illness-related anxiety, spirituality and addiction.

Despite the chemical differences between the classic psychedelics (mescaline, peyote, ayahuasca and dimethyltryptamine or ibogaine) their effects are incredibly similar in their clinical and subjective response. These experiences are gauged by changes in visuals, physical and mental perceptions. Visuals such as geometric patterning, body sensations, and cognitive effects like metaphysical experiences and psychological insights are some of the effects experienced while taking psilocybin. (Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013) There has been a growing analogue of evidence-based research showing psychedelics and their relevancy to the treatment of addiction, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and PTSD. Death-related anxiety is another as it has been widely reported that those to take psychedelics have developed a better outlook on death. Likely since many users report spiritual, metaphysical and introspective experiences. (Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013)

Psychedelics seem to have a positive effect on specific disorders, but also on mental health in a generalized sense. More than 30 million people in the US alone have taken LSD, psilocybin or mescaline. Classic psychedelics are not known to cause brain damage, or internal damage to the organs. They do not cause withdrawal symptoms, compulsive or addictive use, or even birth defects and genetic damage. (Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. 2013)

Psychedelics can, however cause a period of emotional turmoil and confusion during the immediate effects for some users, but such effects very rarely persist throughout the rest of the experience. They are not regarded to encourage violent or dangerous behaviour leading to death or suicide. Studies examining the effects of LSD and psilocybin are seen to cause significantly less harm than alcohol, tobacco and other recreational drugs.

In a sample study done on 130,152 individuals with 21,979 reporting a lifetime use of psychedelics found that the respondents with lifetime use were more likely to have had used all classes of illicit drugs, and had experienced at least more than one traumatic event. (Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. 2013) Psychedelic users had higher rates of mental health issues to which they had adjusted. Lifetime psilocybin users had strongly connected with lower rates of impairment mental health treatment, psychiatric prescriptions and specifically lower rates of panic attacks with females having the lowest rate of psychotic symptom. Lifetime use of mescaline/peyote was associated with a lower rate of medication needed, and not seeking mental health treatment while lifetime psychedelic use overall was strongly associated with a lack of the seven psychiatric symptoms. (Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. 2013)

Lastly, a study was done to test the hypothesis that psilocybin grants access to the personal memories and emotions by comparing “subjective neural responses” to “positive autobiographical memories with both psilocybin and placebos. (Carhart-Harris, R. L., Leech, R., Williams, T. M., Erritzoe, D., Abbasi, N., Bargiotas, T., & … Nutt, D. J. 2012) Participants were given intravenous doses of lab synthesized psilocybin. The ratings of memory, and vividness were significantly higher with those who had taken psilocybin and there was a positive connection between vividness and subjective-well being found after follow up. These results do imply that psilocybin may be useful in psychotherapy either as a tool to recall dormant memories, and to reverse negative cognitive biases. (Carhart-Harris, R. L., Leech, R., Williams, T. M., Erritzoe, D., Abbasi, N., Bargiotas, T., & … Nutt, D. J. 2012)

In the 1960s, psychedelics were used to lower psychological defenses and to encourage introspection, however the term “lowering of defences” was thought to be a decrease in emotional control. There are many reports of individuals re-living an event under psychedelics, and brain scans performed on participants showed a significant connection between “emotion” scores and “vividness.” Once the data had returned and was complete, it was found that reports of “well-being” were significantly higher in those who had taken psilocybin as opposed to placebos. Brain scans showed more activity in the bilateral auditory cortex (the area of the brain that interprets music, speech and other sounds), the somatosensory complex (which interprets all of the senses), the superior parietal cortex (which controls spatial awareness), and even the entire visual processing center. (Carhart-Harris, R. L., Leech, R., Williams, T. M., Erritzoe, D., Abbasi, N., Bargiotas, T., & … Nutt, D. J. 2012)

To conclude, the “war on drugs” and criminalization of psychedelics has made it somewhat of a taboo topic despite its use globally for thousands of years. New information on the topic is either sparse, or has to be done illegally so it can take some time for it to come out due to the safety and freedom of those involved. However, the studies done have been promising. It can be said with certainty that psychedelics are not for everyone, as some of those who take them experience emotional turmoil and confusion or even a small percentage with psychosis. It has to do with a person’s frame of mind, and other factors that aren’t yet known due to the fact that it is illegal and clinical testing is limited.

There is very promising research to show that physically: psychedelics will not harm an individual, and that any mental side effects are short lived. However, the majority of the participants in the studies listed appear to have had incredibly enlightening, spiritual, and personally profound experiences while taking psilocybin, and other psychedelics. They have been used to improve the lives of cancer patients, and to those suffering from mental illness and addiction: aiding in their outlooks on life, and to find a sense of peace.





Bogenschutz, M. P. (2017). Innovative Strategies for Addressing Substance Use Disorders: The Classic Hallucinogens. Psychiatric Times, 34(4), 1-7.   (2)

Burdick, B. V., & Adinoff, B. 2013. A proposal to evaluate mechanistic efficacy of hallucinogens in addiction treatment. The American Journal Of Drug And Alcohol Abuse, 39(5), 291-297. doi:10.3109/00952990.2013.811513   (5)

Carhart-Harris, R. L., Leech, R., Williams, T. M., Erritzoe, D., Abbasi, N., Bargiotas, T., & … Nutt, D. J. (2012). Implications for psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy: functional magnetic resonance imaging study with psilocybin. The British Journal Of Psychiatry: The Journal Of Mental Science, 200(3), 238-244. doi:10.1192/bjp.bp.111.103309   (4)

Krebs, T. S., & Johansen, P. (2013). Psychedelics and Mental Health: A Population Study. Plos ONE, 8(8), 1-9. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0063972   (3)

Yearsley, C. (2017). Psilocybin Reduces Symptoms of Anxiety and Depression in Patients with Cancer in Two Clinical Trials. Herbalgram, (114), 38-42.   (1)



An empath who constantly goes for narcissists

I notice a trend in the men I date: they are narcissists, or mostly so with brief moments of compassion clouded by self-righteousness. I know we tend to search for our opposites in a way, and as someone who typically has good intuition… I don’t see these traits immediately for some reason.

The men I date love to unload their grievances onto me, because I listen well. They shower me with compliments, and make me feel good while we’re together… but as soon as the personal and emotional aspect is removed they begin to take me for granted again. I date men with low levels of emotional maturity, who display alarmingly selfish behavior and tend to blame their own personal shortcomings on me or everyone but themselves.

This is literally what has ended up happening in each guy I let in, and allow myself to be authentic with.

I laugh at myself because I always go for someone entirely different (seemingly) each time but somehow, the same traits resurface rather abruptly when the need to impress me is no longer present. It’s little things: so many compliments one day, telling me that I’m “beautiful” or “intelligent” or “fun” or “clever”, expressing gratitude to the abrupt jump of many harsh judgements (which often are hypocritical as well).

Things tend to be okay until I require a bit of selflessness, and then the tables turn. Suddenly I am unreasonable for wanting not even half of the love I put into something. I mean, at least when this behavior comes up again I see right through it and suddenly all of their bitterness and burned bridges make perfect sense.

Even the small things I should see as a sign… guys meet you, “like” your photos on Facebook and Instagram when they are looking to impress you but as soon as they believe they “have” you it ceases. They don’t want people to know that you’re together, but God forbid I spend time with someone else or look for what I’m not getting from them elsewhere.

God forfuckingbid I have human emotions too.

I wasn’t even looking for a serious thing this time, I definitely did not not want to be someone’s girlfriend as that’s always a crock of shit and men are in fact so much needier than we are. I don’t want to belong to you, I want to be my own person and be able to do whatever I feel is best.

This is just like every other asshole to be honest, I begin to resent relationships more and more as I grow older and would prefer to just not give someone the chance to call me their’s for a while. I would rather get the one thing you can give me, and leave. Let’s not pretend there was ever anything more than an ego stroke, look at you bagging a pretty girl.. it’s a shame most of you cannot handle a woman with substance, with a mind, an opinion, a sense of identity, who has way too much love to give, has passion and is willing to put up with your bullshit to a degree you’ll be hard pressed to find elsewhere.

You know what every guy I’ve dated has done? Said they loved me and wanted me back when I realized I was better off without them. I don’t know why it goes this way, perhaps it is the difference in the way in which we process things as males and females but it’s satisfying.

I’m proud of myself, the last two “breakups” (if you could even call this a breakup, it would have had to have emotional substance to be that) I’ve endured I have felt moments of anger and sadness but then something clicks and I see the person and the situation for what and who they truly are. I don’t feel sad about the loss, I am just angry with myself for believing this time was different.

I date men who make me feel badly about myself most of the time. I give myself to them fully, care for them, make them feel important and in return I am taken advantage of constantly and then cast aside when the realization strikes that they’ll have to reciprocate something in order to keep me around.

I don’t know how people can use and toss someone aside so easily and live with themselves, but perhaps that’s the difference between us truly. You pretend to be someone you can only emulate, and I cannot help but to be authentic.

I was feeling rather distraught earlier, but now all I feel is relief.

Watch what you say

Today- (technically yesterday) has reinforced in me the reality that no one will ever except you for who I am entirely. – I should know this, which is why high school was such hell for me. I’m sure many of you deal with this, but I suppose I take it a bit harder than the average individual. I’m not so good at the practical “pretending” aspect- the acting like I don’t feel what I truly do, I know I’m open to a degree that makes most people extremely uncomfortable. Even those who I communicate with regularly often tend to take some time in “ignoring” me, before they answer so they can calculate their answers carefully.

I would like to take this time to say that I am a tough-ass bitch, and I can take a lot inspite of what I may seem like some days..

Whether you know that I’m an addict or not, when people get too close- they back away and I need to remember that. As long as I can remember- who I am as a person, the personal aspect I can’t seem to change.. Hard as I try some parts of me I cannot seem to change in some sense… and no one likes it.

Those who accept me still hesitate, I am viewed as fragile when in fact its the opposite. Apparently it seems I can only make true friends with those who can feel that vulnerable, emotional aspect of addiction are willing to put up with my variation- which I would like to add is no easy feat.

Don’t get me wrong, I know of all people that addicts in my particular “flavor” are incredibly difficult to deal with… not that it makes you a “bad” person if you can’t handle me.. but regardless, it still hurts me. I come to a point where I feel like I can be “me” with no reservations and I feel I’ve been rejected for that. I am the problem, I am the common denominator and I realize that I have to hide a side of myself in order to maintain most relationships. Maybe it’s just realistic, but it still hurts knowing the full expression of myself is too much for anyone to deal with.

Which, again I agree is completely reasonable.. but it still hurts. I don’t know anyone else like me with the mix of sexual trauma, addiction, grief, physical abuse and self-loathing that feels like this… I meet so many people that I connect with and I believe that I can be 100% me.

Perhaps for many of you- you think you can be yourself to the fullest degree but with myself it blows up in my face. I see that one of my biggest faults is honesty to a level that isn’t “normal.” You see that critical self-evaluation that I should keep to myself. Some things are in fact, better off fought alone.

Many people would disagree, but how could you say that who I am is accepted if you aren’t me and haven’t faced so much distance and stigmatization. All I can think is that there is just something largely and inherently wrong with me that no one can cope with, not that that means there’s anything wrong with you. It’s literally just me, and I in my moments of weakness I believe I am better off alone.

I don’t mean to be a bummer, but when I keep more to myself (albeit how painful it can be) things tend to work out better relationship wise.

But here’s the issue: I don’t know how to be someone I’m not… and I feel like when another individual says that’s just “the way they are”, it’s accepted- but when I attempt to express the same thing it’s just seen as me being “stubborn” or “difficult” or even “manipulative” because of the way my words make others feel.

Anyone reading this who may believe it’s directed at them, know it isn’t. I’m just experiencing an intolerance and loathing for myself. It’s clearly not you, and it’s me as I can see now, and I’m sorry I displayed parts of myself that should have remained hidden. I don’t always know how to differentiate between what is “okay” to say and what isn’t at times, I’m incredibly impulsive. I know it may seem that I am looking for pity at times, but please believe me when I say it’s the last thing I am looking for… I’ve just gone through enough deaths and bullshit I sometimes forget how to pose things in the way I should for the sake of others.

I apologize for being so selfish. I’m sure to some it seems like I’m being manipulative, which is a difficult line to attempt to not cross when I wish to express myself fully.. but this is my blog. I swear to anything relevant that it’s not my attempt: you cannot see what is in my heart but I’m just trying to be authentic and failing miserably. I am making matters worse, and please, please believe me when I say nothing feels more like a failure at this point in my life.

After such heightened emotions today I attempted calling my counselor but she was unavailable… and then I have no idea where to channel these emotions other than my blog wherein an individual can choose whether they respond or not.

This “bpd” side of me doesn’t know what to do: it just wants to be loved and accepted for who I am truly… and even by my family I am judged for how I deal with my emotions.. because it isn’t socially acceptable.. but I’ve also hurt them in an irreversible way

Some days I just want to be alone for extended periods of time and yet I still feel like I could do some good in sharing my “socially unacceptable” feelings… but they seem to be continuously misinterpreted. Either I am “playing the victim” “being manipulative” “lying” or “taking advantage of the situation” when I choose to be authentic.. and that always fucks it up.

I try my best to post positive blogs, but some days I just don’t feel it. Apologies for those who are reading this in a fragile state of mind, I will post a “trigger warning.”

All I can say at this point is that I’m sorry.. those of you who’ve read this far in spite of my sad days… cheers.

Clever Blog Title #2

I’ll be the first to admit that I have attachment issues. Codependency paired with a crippling fear of abandonment and anxiety. So anyone who follows my blog will remember the agony I went through this summer in falling in love. Whenever I really like someone, I spend so much time agonizing over whether or not I should be open about how much I like them.

Cosmopolitan says men love a chase.

So it must be true.

I know I can come on a little strong, I’m an intense person but it kind of sucks feeling like you have to dial yourself back constantly? So I let out the silly, sassy and sarcastic side of myself easily but when it comes to being vulnerable I have an issue.

I’ve come to the point where I assume either no one finds the things sweet, endearing or attractive that I do OR there are so few that chances I connect who loves like this is pretty fucking slim and is that even a bad thing? Perhaps my intense nature would be tripled and I would combust.

My best friend is probably as weird as me, but I think it overwhelms him because he disappears for years at a time and watches me from afar. I’ve come to accept him for who he is, and I don’t even get upset anymore. Every time you look at your ass and see our tattoo you have to think of me, but we both know you didn’t need that. I can’t explain him to people because they wouldn’t get it so I don’t bother.

I don’t know anymore: good things hurt me. Pleasure hurts me, pain pleases me and I can’t see the line sometimes. I have always said that I am enamored by that dark side of my mind. It’s the reason I write in the first place, and cry listening to a really good song but I suppose I wouldn’t need to if it didn’t exist.. I don’t know what it is about being in the pits of despair and finding it beautiful but that’s just how it is.

I’m not afraid to be alone. I’ve come to respect, and perhaps not always adore myself but I certainly tolerate and appreciate myself enough now that I don’t need to be smacked out 24/7 or not alone.

There is something so terrifying and yet thrilling about feeling like I have no choice in something and that I am just destined/doomed/driven by some unseen force.

I’m an unnervingly open person at times, no shame in my past in heroin addiction. I’m still a heroin addict, and I still fucking love heroin but I can’t do it anymore because it destroys me. My greatest love and greatest downfall.

When I’ve done anything hard it awakens this monster that I’ve kept locked away and unfed for so long that only feels satisfied when I can’t move for a moment and I feel like I’m one more hit away from death. It’s voracious.

Funny how I stopped writing when I was using because of how afraid of myself I was.

I’m still afraid, mainly if I end up caring what you think because most people I could give a fuck what they think of me. Because I can’t change the core of who I am, I can change how I handle it and who I show it to but who I am is something I hope people can accept.

But at least my dog loves me.

I guess I should start writing again

Something in me has fucking changed.
I believed I fell in love this summer but I think it was more of a self destructive infatuation. I’ve often been the type of girl who sticks in long term relationships, but I am coming to a point where I would rather avoid it for a while. Like maybe I fare better on my own, when I have no one to take care of and I can just have fun.

My guilt complex wouldn’t usually allow me to feel this way, and I don’t feel “jaded” per se. I just need a fucking break from being someone’s girlfriend. Being expected to be home, be faithful. I do all of the extras too like do their laundry, cook for them, pack them lunches, back rubs, listening to all of the rambling when we’re out of our minds.

I notice the same tendencies in the men and women I date, and perhaps that says more about me than anything else.

When I broke up with my first and second long-term boyfriends, respectively I went through quite a lot of emotional turmoil. I drank myself into blackouts for two months straight with the first, and with the second… let’s just say I made some poor decisions.

But with this most current “breakup” it was only a couple of months but it was heavy, because of the poisonous mixture of our similar and polar opposite characteristics. So addicting but very toxic. Mixed signals, screaming matches… perhaps it isn’t a good idea to date someone with a temper as hot as your own? Or another addict… but I have a problem with problems.

It fucked with my recovery, my mental health, and dating someone who is a sociopath who believes they are an empath is an extremely frustrating scenario. Denial. It wreaked havoc on me in the beginning, but interestingly enough as time progressed I just became numb to the entire experience.

And yet, despite my tendency to become attached to people way too quickly here I am not giving a fuck about this entire situation. I just don’t care. I don’t know why, I did love and care for him but as time progressed and I could see he had nothing for me underneath that very believable front I guess I realized I wasn’t losing anything.

It sounds harsh, but it’s just my experience.
I haven’t shed a single tear since I ended this, and typically I invest my entire self into my relationships and I feel so torn apart afterwards but I just feel nothing other than a mild annoyance, and just empathy mixed with a bit of pity.

Watching someone struggle with addiction is extremely difficult for me, and I feel responsible in some strange way, perhaps as another addict, that I must do something to help you through this. Watching the denial, hearing the exact same things I used to say come out of his mouth like: “I’ll just do it once a while, I can’t stop completely.” “I need this to work.” “I’ll just get it in higher quality, so I don’t need as much.” is fucking heartbreaking.

I resonate with other addicts better than anyone else, so everything is more intense with them: conversations, trips, sex, or any form of intimacy is so utterly intoxicating but on a level that is a bit dangerous.

I do everything with such intensity that it’s hard not to become addicted again.

Dedicated to my sad girls

Some people try to avoid feeling sad

I have always felt so drawn by it, and I never understood why before
Something so beautiful in the melancholy
Sadness is profound, and vast
It must be respected
It’s like death
It makes us angry, and question life but it is necessary and it is one of the few things that make enough sense to come back to

My sadness gives me purpose
My sadness enables me to create

I find my strengths within my weaknesses

Don’t read if you don’t like crazy :)

It’s time to put all of my cryptic blog posts into perspective because I’ve had a weird fucking week.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have attachment issues. If I feel really connected to someone I focus on that a lot because it made me feel good, which on its own is a small enough feat to deal with. However, I have also been weaning down on my methadone. I went down 2mg on Friday which doesn’t seem that big but the usual dosing ratio for weans is 10% or less and I am now on 28mg. It’s a big jump. I don’t feel any withdrawal symptoms, nothing worth taking note of at least; so far my wean has been a pretty comfortable experience as far as I can tell. Compared to heroin withdrawals, it’s wonderful.. and the fact that the weight I’ve gained is melting off makes me happy too. I was at 130 mg which is a relatively high dose, and after a year of stability I was asked to wean at least below 120 because they don’t know the long-term effects of dosing that high for long periods of time.

I was so scared, and then a few months later I saw I had gained like 70lbs in recovery. 20 of that was probably needed, and the rest I despised. I’ve lost about 30 now, so I would like to go another 20. But I didn’t begin losing weight, regardless of how well I ate and exercised regularly until I went below 50mg. High dose = weight gain.

Anyhow, some other things are going on between my hormones and my doses. I have only been in a few serious relationships.. I had a girlfriend early on, I was young… 2 years on and off, then my first serious boyfriend and I started dating when I was 17 and I stayed with him for one week short of 5 years. Things got so toxic and ugly, we began dating when I was still using and continued after the fact. Things were just… ugly. I am always hesitant to call people “abusive” but I am learning you can still be a decent person, and an abusive one. There are beautiful people with hideous qualities, as in: every single one of us.

We broke up two years ago, and have remained in some sort of contact since although it was usually sparse until the end of this May after my “current” (at the time) boyfriend and I had broken up. We did psychedelics and went to a concert, I think it made him feel really nostalgic, as those things tend to do. But since then I have felt a sort of pressure from him, knowing he is suffering and missing what we once had. I am uncomfortable, because I am still grieving from a recent heartbreak at this time but he gets so wrapped up in how hes feeling.

I had been so depressed these past few months, and a few weeks ago I started finally feeling like myself again. I decided to get my tattoos fixed up, go out again, and be happy, and treat myself to the things I wanted to do. Live and not just be alive.

I have had these experiences, that I can’t get into too much because my parents read these blogs (hi mom) and I have no idea what it all means or if it will mean anything a month from now. It makes me happy, it’s kind of beautiful and I’m addicted to an experience instead of a substance.

I decided now was a good time to talk to the ex I had been hanging out with again, and ask him if he would ever be satisfied as my friend or if it would hurt him watching me move on still? He reacted in a negative way, and then apologized. Then lashed out at me again, in, I dare say: an abusive manner (which is a bit soul crushing).

I had a real good cry after that one.

I continue to enjoy my life, and then the boyfriend I broke up with in May who shattered my world for a little while decides that 4am is a good time to call me up, drunk from a blocked phone number, but say nothing. Just to wake me up.

I had no idea who was calling so I decided to hang up.
Then an unknown number asks me to check my spam box.
And then it’s a big outpour of regrets and “I fucked up” ‘s and “I miss you” ‘s and what else you’d expect from a horny drunk dude.

I knew this would happen… and never mind that this is the same night I think to myself for the first in a while throughout these three years (it does happen from time to time) that “Hey, I should just fucking get high. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, and no one really has to know do they? Why does it have to be a big deal. I’m not the same person I was before.” I know I act manipulative when I ask people to get opiates for me, and they shouldn’t listen to me. Listen to your gut people, it IS a bad idea, those warning lights are there for a reason. I am good at being manipulative when I want to though, I forget that sometimes.

I was strong through this bullshit with my ex though. He continued with it yesterday, and I am so fucking glad that I love myself enough to not give a shit. (If you’re reading this, because you realized you fucked up after you cheated on me and treated me like garbage. Good. Learn from your mistakes, and treat the next girl better than you treated me. Spite is easy, I wish you well… just the hell away from me.)

SO by yesterday afternoon I am bugging the fuck out with anxiety. But I can’t go to yoga yet because I don’t want to mess up my butt tattoo again. So I go on a 15k bike ride, and nope. Still don’t feel better even after all that sun and biking. So I text the fuck out of people, and piss them off and make everyone sick of me and my rambling anxious ass so I decide I’m gonna get some drugs.

I don’t have money but I can plan to get drugs.
And by drugs, I mean opiates… I’m not perfect and I am not in narcotics anonymous, or an abstinence based recovery. I drink mushroom tea, I smoke weed (although its more socially acceptable for me to somehow because the government agrees I need it medically?), and I drink alcohol from time to time. But I am going to fucking college, and I have my shit together for once in my life while also being able to be a little bit crazy because that’s who I am.

I’ll pick up later. I’m going to bed, because I’ve made an anxious ass out of myself. I wake up in the morning, someone I care about thinks I’m annoying this morning too which always makes me act like a kicked puppy. I’m crying, I realize I should probably go to yoga but I feel so shitty and I have CRAVINGS FOR DRUGS.

So, I do something smart for once and call my addictions counselor and leave her a very sad message. She phoned back within an hour and probably thought we were going to have a short call, but when I got into what my week had been like she listened and her voice was like the calm in this storm I needed to remind me of how fucking good I’ve been doing.

So now I’m on my fourth joint in the last 40 minutes or so, I’m crying but its good, I have my yoga class booked and I cancelled my bad idea plans.

Want to see more of the emotional roller coaster of my mind?
Tune in, I have no idea when! I either write 6x a day or once a month. 🙂


Laying in a dark room with sad music

You know when something or someone is bad for you but you continue to indulge yourself anyhow?

I’ve gone from a place of utter despair and helplessness to feeling kind of good about myself for the first time in a while. I get so carried away with how I feel sometimes, and then I feel like an idiot. I think I put substance into something that never existed in the first place.

I feel so receptive to people, and think I pick up on certain things but perhaps I’m just fooling myself here. I’m just grasping at straws for something I wish I had. I don’t fixate on a certain outcome when any kind of friendship, relationship, etc. forms but I am often reminded of how idealistic I can be.

I want to accept feeling this way, but I don’t know how I can stand it some days.
I can’t stand myself today, and when I try to talk about it I sound like an idiot and I push people away from me that I want to pull closer.

I believe in times like these, that I am just better off closing myself off to the idea of relationships in the future. If I never intend to go there again, with anyone, I can’t disappoint myself or put my expectations as a delusional level.

I’m crying so much that my neck is leaking… I don’t know why per se. I mostly just feel like an idiot, but I’m glad I document the way my thoughts turn up and down and up and down over and over again so that I can study it maybe. I’m too guarded to become heartbroken again, I don’t know how to be patient anymore.

I feel so consumed by my thoughts, and what I’ve been experiencing but I feel utterly alone in this experience and it depresses me.

I’m fine by myself, I’m functional and productive and I experience joy. I suppose because of the type of nurturing person that I am that I enjoy being able to make the most of those qualities.

I just want to sleep for a very long time.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately but it’s something.

Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality

I would gladly take on every ounce of pain for you.
Not that I don’t believe you are capable of handling your own burdens, because I know that you are strong.

Just give me all of your sadness, fear, resentment, and anger
I can take the weight
Take it out on me
I’ve been learning to go with my gut, and my heart… and to ignore my pesky brain.

A part of me tells me that I need to run away
But I already know that won’t happen
Something is so satisfying about just giving in
Not to be confused with giving up

Something so helpless and beautiful about losing control
I have always been so focused on keeping certain parts of me in check
Not that I don’t like to be wild, but I often fear letting myself out because of those who cannot handle me

I feel both fearless, and yet terrified
It’s electric

This feels familiar and yet foreign, like something I haven’t ever experienced but somehow it feels like home

This is usually when I run
But something tells me to stay

Bring on the uncertainty, and the pain, anxiousness and disappointment
It’s all a part of this ride
Perhaps I’m the one who’s electric, every feeling big or small is some form of shock that varies in intensity

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning, being smothered by my mind, the weight can nearly crush my soul

As of late I feel so empowered by my emotions, and this intensity
I have desires, and at times they consume me body, mind and soul

I just don’t feel afraid anymore of what might happen if I take chances
I went from one extreme to the other in how I lived addicted to heroin, to locking myself away in my room the majority of the time

Now that I write that, I realize that isn’t all that different from using heroin
I would go out to score, or to make money and then I would buy drugs and go home
Which is probably why it took so long to realize I was having seizures

I just wanted to be alone with my sickness

But I have lived in such fear these past three years, and of what?
I am not a fragile, broken, little girl who needs to be supervised
It’s not as if deciding to go out on Friday night will mean that I’m suddenly going to wake up in 2013 again.

I just want to do more than simply breathe, I want to live.