Just some words

It feels like I’ve been asleep for a very long time. Perhaps asleep isn’t the best description… I feel like I’ve been in a fog that I wasn’t aware of until just now. That parts of me have been sleeping these past few years, and I am realizing that they are still a part of me.

Parts I had suppressed for my own “well-being” in the name of recovery.

I feel so raw, like the outer layer of my skin has been removed and I am exposed to the world. I had forgotten how it felt to be so consumed by a feeling, or another being. To feel afraid and vulnerable but also exhilarated from the uncertainty.

 

I feel inspired, like I have been quieting my passion because of the way I am sometimes rejected for it. I often tell people, not to feel shame or that there is “something wrong” with them because of these intense emotions, picking up on the emotions of others.. perhaps I should take my own advice? We are rejected by so many people because we are taught from a young age to bury what you feel and perceive if it might make someone “uncomfortable” (which, incidentally is also a product of this upbringing we are subject to on a mass scale).

I get so angry that I shake, I get so sad that I physically feel numb and like my limbs are made of lead, I feel so happy that I could cartwheel instead of walk. I love so hard that it burns me. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the grief of those who I’ve lost both physically and emotionally.

I like to get hurt, and I feel compelled to hurt myself when I feel so intense that I need to bring myself back to my body- but I can’t tell anyone when I feel this way or they feel obligated to stop me.

But why?
Because it’ll leave a scar?

I am always looking for some way to channel my emotions, and in many ways I have that. Whether I’m getting tattooed, doing sun salutations, riding my bike, pouring my soul into someone else, writing, playing piano, singing, dancing in the shower or in the crowd… whatever it may be. There is a way to channel these things, but that doesn’t mean we have to eliminate these feelings. It’s merely a way to comprehend them, and ride that wave. I am growing used to some discomfort.

Life is funny sometimes.

 

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Can’t sleep: words will eat me

There is something painfully beautiful about sadness.
Something I love about feeling trapped within my own feelings and thoughts.

Something so good about giving in.

Can we help the way we feel? We can proceed with caution… but perhaps I need to embrace myself. I used to think that sadness was my primary inspiration, but perhaps its love. Love is painful, its delightful, exciting,

I don’t even know what to call how I feel. I am already in so deep, I’m furiously trying to rebuild the walls I tore down in such a rush. I am listening to the same song on repeat over and over again because it feels like the words are bleeding from my soul.

I can’t sleep.

How do you capture something without scaring it away? Hunting was never my forte.

Am I sick?
I’ve always been told this was sickness, this intensity. Overwhelming emotions, crying from happiness, shaking, muttering reassurances to myself, doing the sign language alphabet repeatedly because I like to do something with my hands.

Chewing on my lip ring, tongue ring. Orally fixated, because it stops me from talking.

Keep me away from keyboards…

Perhaps I need something to completely obliterate this cage I’ve built around myself. I tell myself its for my own protection, but I am beginning to see that it is hindering me. There’s no room to fly in this thing.

Delusional or Intuitive?

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between intuition and delusion. I feel so connected to someone, but maybe they’re just using me? I worry they’re using me, but maybe I’m just being hard on myself? I worry that people just find me overwhelming, or get tired of me too quickly. If I spend a lot of time with someone I fear that they’ll grow to hate me, and my faults- but when I rarely see someone I really enjoy I feel a bit lost.

I feel like I should guard myself from falling in love, heartbreak is a part of life but it makes me want to kill myself when it happens. I know how disappointed I feel when I get my foolish hopes up. I get attached to people too easily, and I get too intense, and then I scare them away. Perhaps I am better off keeping my mouth shut, lest I stick my foot in it again.

So what do I do, keep letting my heart get the best of me and hate myself for it repeatedly or should I just avoid people that I really connect to.. I don’t know how to handle this level of emotional intensity, which is why I have a history of self-medicating. I need to dull my senses somewhat to get through today, tomorrow and so on. I feel like I’m being burned, but that’s not even a good analogy because physical pain is something tangible that I even get enjoyment out of at times. Sadness, melancholy breeds creativity but I feel sometimes that it will be the death of me.

Will people stay around if I act like I don’t care, instead of getting excited about something potentially amazing or will that just push them away further. I feel stuck because in my experience, the only way that someone will want to stay around is if I keep parts of myself hidden. Which is depressing because it leads me to believe that no one can ever love every part of me, or me as a whole because there are parts of me that perhaps no one can love.

Its frustrating, being able to pick up on people’s emotions but having absolutely no idea what they’re truly thinking.

Sometimes I want to smash a brick into my head until the only word I can say is “salad.”

 

When Love and Ownership are Conflated

Some people confuse love with ownership, or perhaps view them as one in the same: as if a human being can ever truly be owned and contained into something smaller than it is meant to be. My soul is bigger than my body, and even I can’t hold onto it sometimes so how could someone else?

Love is creative, it is wanting to share your knowledge and profound experiences with those you love. Love is freedom, and wanting those you love to be free to take advantage of every experience possible.

Love is limitless.
And love is never to be used as a tool of abuse, or it stops being love and becomes something much more sinister.

If you love someone, you love who they are. Encourage the changes they make that are positive, but expect no change. How can you say you love someone if you wish they were someone else?

This is coming from someone who has been the burden of the family, (probably still am to a large extent, I’m just a productive burden now) and the failure. Wallowing in my own filth and a pile of needles and seeing no way out. I still don’t believe that love, if it is truly love should be a conditional concept.

Maybe I sound idealistic, but isn’t that part of what makes life so wonderful? Having a little bit of hope, ideal and some sunshine to get through the rain? Whatever it is in us that makes us persevere in times of emotional turmoil.

Especially for those of us who carry the emotional burdens of those who surround us. We know who we are, the “mentally ill” and emotionally “unstable.” You are not sick for feeling the sadness of the guy on the bus, or the excitement of the kid you see getting a balloon animal. It’s called being observant, compassionate and empathetic. It is a virtuous quality that I refuse to have extinguished by anyone or anything.

Life is so finite, I see no reason to not relish in every second and indulge in every possible opportunity that presents itself to us. I want to leave my mark on this world, and positively impact as many people as I possibly can and enjoy.

I suppose my advice of the day is that, if someone cannot be happy for you when you are happy… this person doesn’t love you.

I Don’t Hate Myself, I Just Need a Break From Myself

No one knows how to handle mental illness.
Even the mentally ill, perhaps especially those of us who haven’t had any sort of treatment as we aren’t always the best equipped to take on the burdens of another.

I always thought of myself as empathetic, but I believe that DBT helped to show me how to express that empathy. People won’t automatically know you can see, or feel that they are hurting, angry, happy, etc.

Everyone says they’ll stick around, and that they accept your flaws, love your flaws even until they become an inconvenience. The issue with this, is we take your promises to heart. We believe you. Maybe this sounds silly to those with a more rational mind, because why would we believe anyone who says such things that are dis-proven time, and time again?

Obviously I need to work on myself, all of us do from time to time. Its the hope that someone will be willing to bear through those moments of illness, irrationality, fear and distress to get back to something better. That someone will see the worthwhile qualities through the difficult ones.

At times I am not easy to love, but I am an incredibly loving person. I pick up on small things, and they affect me in a big way. I know when you aren’t attracted to me anymore, or disinterested, and I know when things are coming to an end. I still have hope until that very end, but I’m still crushed.

This time, I chose to walk away. I made this choice in anger… and I did second guess myself, but I was hoping that things would be different. Both parties need to be willing to change in order for something to work out, and he wasn’t willing to do that. I think what has hurt me the most in all of this, is knowing that he doesn’t care about how I’m doing. He was either very good at lying to me, or lying to himself these past few months.

I don’t believe hes a bad person, but certainly very bad for me. I suppose I did, in this case make a good decision in anger. It was one I had seen coming for quite some time… sometimes you need to trust your instincts, even if there’s a small part of you that wants to ignore them.

I realize now that I deserve so much better. No amount of gifts, and nice dinners can make up for time spent together, honesty, commitment, compassion, and a degree of selflessness.

I got so caught up in falling in love, and being in love that I chose to ignore the fact that at some point I stopped receiving love, attention, honesty and fidelity. Or perhaps believing that I didn’t deserve better?

I think when a breakup happens, it’s better to focus on your own flaws that need adjusting as I said before. However, it’s also important to remind yourself of the reasons you were unhappy. Wishing for something that never was there in the first place, will drive you insane.

I am using this time to try to allow parts of myself I’ve had to stifle the past year and a half to flourish. I can be myself and not worry about bringing out the insecurity and jealousy in someone else. I think I do belong in a relationship, it suits me well being able to care for someone.. but I have to keep reminding myself that I owe it to myself, and my future partner to take some time to grieve, and grow.

I need a lot of time alone right now. I need to not give in to the expectations of others for a while, and just do what feels good. I find it difficult to not feel guilty, because people do have a lot of expectations, and pressure they place on you unknowingly and unintentionally.

I also find it difficult to want to spend time with people when I am feeling down. I am physically taking care of myself, I’m exercising a lot, and eating healthy but I don’t always enjoy talking about how I feel. Some things I just need to work through on my own, I find it more therapeutic to reflect on these revelations afterwards… often others will have additional insights that are indeed helpful. I just don’t know how helpful it would be to angrily ramble, or cry at someone. Not that I don’t allow myself to cry, or get my anger out somehow. It’s just perhaps not in the conventional, expected ways.

I will talk in my own time… I have lost the expectation that people will want to stick around but appreciate if they do.

I would like to take this time to thank my dog for putting up with all of my bullshit.

Clever Blog Title

Sometimes I forget about the fact that I have this ‘shit’ I deal with… I have yet to come up with a better term than mental illness but I’ll get there. Although there are instances where the way that I act shows me that in ways I am sick. I forget because a lot of the time, although I am overthinking and perhaps anxious it is usually manageable. I forget because a lot of the time I can find a good balance between my emotion and logic (anyone who has taken DBT may be envisioning that venndiagram of logic, emotion and clarity right now)- but I am reminded in times of great emotional distress when my thoughts and emotions go haywire.

Having intense emotions isn’t all bad, and when managed correctly can be quite wonderful when you’re in love because you are just so consumed by it. There are quite obviously downsides to this… like the insecurity in wondering, sometimes knowing that maybe no one will ever love you back to this level of intensity. The sting of rejection is your worst fears being realized, and critisism can be extremely difficult to hear because you are already so self-critical.

I have mostly come to peace with the fact that I have harmed myself in some way since I was 12. But sometimes, when I look down at my arms I feel sad, and self-concious. I’m a human being after all. Some of my permanent track marks, now looking like a long curved line along my veins, some of the scars or craters from abscesses and infections from IV drug use. I like to think of them as battle scars, and reminders of what I’ve overcome.

I think, to some degree, we all go through some variation of these phases during the period of time following a breakup: sadness, pain, wistfulness, anger, and acceptance. In my case, I had gotten so very fed up with certain behaviors from my partner, and the way I acted because of this that we got into a very explosive argument and I said I was done. Like most people who get very angry, and make a life-altering decision in anger, I came to rethink my actions. I worried I had made a mistake, and I even tried writing a list of pros and cons (I could mostly only come up with cons) but something deeply irrational, and sick had woken up inside of me and was taking over.

If I have any advice for someone who regrets breaking up with someone, or wants someone back if they are the one broken up with: wait.

Because even while I was feeling this way, I could see the way I was coming off. I could see my texts going from miserable, to angry, to suicidal, to apathetic, to neutral. I know how I would feel getting messages like this from someone, but that is beyond the point. I don’t care if someone thinks I’m crazy, I care about getting through this, my future, mental and physical health.

I was feeling like I was willing to change, which I still am, and have been writing down what exactly I need to work on to better myself and future relationship. However, I was feeling so… unwell that I was willing to be the only one who changed. The truth is that he wasn’t treating me very well anymore, (although it wasn’t always that way) and didn’t appear to respect or value me very much at all. Seeking love, and commitment from someone who takes you for granted, who isn’t willing to work through the bad to get back to the good will make you crazy. Respect yourself, accept the qualities that need some work, work on them and embrace the ones that you know are truly good.

I like to say that uncertainty and anxiety are both lovers and enemies. Perhaps they are in an abusive relationship? They feed off of eachother but they are a toxic combination.

I have finally, for a few weeks now completely cut off contact for the most part. I don’t hate him or think hes a bad person, if I did I wouldn’t have dated him for a year and a half. It would be easy to focus on his shortcomings and not my own, but I am the only factor in this I have any control over. Because of this I have decided not to delete or block him from social media or my phone, but I have unfollowed him and have only spoken to him on a couple of occasions and remained emotionally neutral. In not speaking to him, slowly but surely I think of him less each day. The pain, its still present but its fading. I know this will take time and I accept that, because I owe it to myself to work through this fully so that history doesn’t repeat itself. The more time goes by, the more I feel that this was the right decision. I don’t know if I have some sort of cosmic path written for me in the stars, but things turn out the way they do for one reason or another in the end.

You just need to wait it out sometimes and trust that things will turn out for the best. One day can seem like an eternity when you are wating for something that may never happen, but when you are just letting life sort of happen the days go by with a bit more ease.

There is no good advice

I keep reading advice columns, even though I know it’s going to be terrible advice.
It’s kind of like watching Dr. Phil: it’s annoying, exploitative, and only succeeds in deluding people into believing there is a simple solution, or an “easy fix” to… anything important… but I keep consuming it anyhow, all the while feeling annoyed, and at times even amused at the sheer ridiculousness of some of these things.

No one really has good advice though, do they? Even when they do, we like to have ourselves believe we came to it on our own anyhow. If you’re feeling down, or missing something/someone in particular then you know what will “fix” it (short term). Sometimes people just want someone to bitch to. I tend to not really talk to anyone and then get accused of “isolating” myself. I just know that no one has the right thing to say, and that I need to come to a resolution on my own.

Sadness is uncomfortable. Especially when you are used to chasing it away with drugs and alcohol (more drugs), or at least finding some way to repress it. This is how the same problems in life keep resurfacing, because sadness is uncomfortable so we find a way to cope with it instead of just being uncomfortable for a while.

We jump into new relationships, hook up with our exes, get really, really, drunk, get high, fuck or fight… whatever it is, it’s a way to stifle growth in the end. Drugs are how you find yourself at 21 years old with the emotional capacity of a 14 year old.

Even now, I’m 24, I’ll mark my three years off of heroin in September, I’ve gone through a lot of therapy, but still… my first instinct when faced with emotional turmoil was to kill it with drugs. Logically I know that I need this time, that I spent my addiction in a relationship, and when that ended I dealt with it by getting blackout drunk (and met my good friend alcohol induced psychosis) for four and a half months, and then began a new relationship. I never dealt with those emotions by myself, I dealt with them while I began this relationship… which but a huge strain on things.

My partner didn’t know how to deal with this, so he cheated on me. That destroyed my self esteem and the image I had of him previously. Who was this man? But I felt so miserable without him. I took this as a sign that we should give this another try, and I would change. I did, but then after a few months, finding other small lies on a regular basis, I felt suspicious constantly, he started to drift… didn’t want to touch me anymore, I got angry because I knew he had stopped valuing me. I was resentful, and bitchy often, which I’m sure made matters worse. We didn’t communicate effectively on either side about what we were upset about, but because we loved each other, and because of how fast and hard we fell in love in the beginning we held on. Maybe things could have worked out if I had taken the time I needed either to begin with, or at least when the cheating happened. I believe in forgiveness, especially when it is reasonable. Forgiving mistakes, I am in favor of. God knows I have made more than I can ever hope to atone for. The issue was that I didn’t take time to weigh my options, and make sure I was acting on a balance of logic and emotion and not just one or the other. (Use those DBT skills, right?)

I know what I did wrong, and what not to do in my future relationships. I’m glad I can do that instead of feeling anger and resentment towards him, of course he did things to me that make me feel underappreciated to say the least… but I also know that there is no good that will come out of resentment, or blame. I can only take accountability for my mistakes. That is all I have control over, and the only way I can control my anxiety is to have control over myself.

It is so easy to hate someone, even though it takes a lot of energy. What is truly difficult is to forgive someone, especially someone who may never know that you have forgiven them and that you, too are sorry… to let go, and move on.

Dealing with a breakup with BPD, & in recovery

I am not afraid to say that I am feeling incomplete.
In fact, I believe it makes me stronger to come to terms with that.
What do I want out of life, ultimately?
I want to help people, help other addicts, and those struggling with their mental illnesses. All I have ever wanted as long as I can remember, was to help people. Something that gives me purpose is making people smile, or remember that they do matter and are important. There is also something deeply frustrating about being unable to help someone.
Or rather that they won’t accept your help.
I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, and I would like to have a family of my own.
I’m not sure what to do with myself.
Something deep inside of me is telling me that this is wrong. That its not worth simply giving up on so easily… I’m finding it difficult to remain patient. I’m afraid.
I am avoiding addictions counselling… not intentionally because usually I can find a legitimate reason to rebook. I do know I am avoiding it though… I know what she’s going to say to me about this situation, and either I disagree or am not ready to hear this.
Dealing with a breakup when you’re in recovery, have BPD and anxiety… it’s a rollercoaster.
I am aware of what is my “shit” and what is me… usually. But it doesn’t make the pain I’m feeling less real. Doesn’t change the fact that when I wake up each morning I feel my heart being wrenched from my chest again.
I don’t know how to deal with this… I’ve always shot up, or even after I quit using heroin I drank myself into alcohol induced psychosis every night for a few months. I was so so tempted to just break my resolve, to just give in and give up these first couple of weeks but something still stopped me. I physically harmed myself… but not to end my life. To calm myself.
I am well aware that that isn’t a healthy coping mechanism. It is a plus that I seem to be losing the extra weight I’ve gained in methadone maintenance treatment now that my dose is coming down. I have been a lot more confident lately, so there’s also that.
I have self esteem.
I know it isn’t difficult to find someone who I find attractive who also finds me attractive. I know that there are many people who wait their entire lives to meet someone who loves with the capacity that I do. That there are people who value a woman who will take care of them, write them little notes, massage their scalp and back until they fall asleep. That there are countless qualities I possess that someone would kill for.
It’s not so much a fear of being unable to find someone else…
I’ve been a bit hesitant to post these feelings on here, because I was concerned this would be read by the subject. I don’t know that that’s very likely though, if someone wanted to know what I was feeling would they not just reach out to me?
Maybe not, people are often not sensible creatures.

I don’t know where to put these feelings.
When my previous relationship ended I was at least still in contact with that person. I had the luxury of knowing that they were doing as okay as could be. Hearing his voice and laugh.
I saw my subject here yesterday… it was surreal. He has been so cold and distant and even at some times cruel over text messages. We only spoke on the phone one time and got into a rather big yelling match and I hung up on him. He seemed almost happy to see me? Maybe that isn’t the right word… but not unhappy. He was looking at me like he used to, he said he would stay to talk if he could (he had a legitimate reason to leave quickly), and was the one who reached to hug first. He held me for a while too.
I don’t believe for one second that he is playing mind games on purpose. I believe is confused and has a lot of pain from now and the past he has to work through.
I know I need to accept the circumstances, and I have accepted them.
I’m not going to beg, or plead. I’m not going to ask someone to feel something they might not feel or make a choice they need time to think on.
I don’t know that it would be a good idea anyhow considering there was a lot that he did that makes me question whether or not he truly loved/loves me or at least respected me.
I also know that people make mistakes. I have made mistakes. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life away from the people who I’ve hurt or else I wouldn’t have a family anymore.
It doesn’t matter at this point that I forgive. That I am working on changing the things about myself that need to be changed because, if someone doesn’t want it to work out then it won’t. You’re consigning yourself to a failed relationship when you have that belief. You leave no room for forgiveness or companionship if you doubt it.
It is a strange sort of depression.
Maybe depression isn’t the right word… I feel empty and incomplete.
I feel like I’m going through the psychological withdrawals of quitting opiate drugs again.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, or how to handle the intense emotions that come up. I can’t even take the medication I used to take for panic attacks because of how it interacts with methadone.
No one’s company warms me enough.
Nothing really quite distracts me.
I am trying, and I’m taking care of myself. I’m doing my school work, I’m going to yoga a lot and working my ass of to get to my goal weight now that it’s finally dropping. I’m looking forward to starting college in September, I’m looking forward to being 100% off of methadone. I’m taking myself out to get pretty dresses and pretty underwear. I am taking care of myself and I don’t feel lonely, because being with people doesn’t make it better.
I don’t know what to think or how to feel.
I would like to start feeling better, I just don’t know how.
Everyone keeps offering unsolicited advice. People don’t know how else to react when you’re upset, especially for a prolonged time. Strangers, acquaintances, friends and loved ones alike are all offering advice that I simply don’t want.
From a taxi driver to the closest of close. I don’t like to bring this up, but when people ask how your boyfriend is doing… you feel you have to say something sometimes. Whether or not the advice is “I didn’t like him for you,” or “It’s for the best,” or “He’ll come around, don’t worry,” or “He doesn’t deserve you anyhow!”
I know you’re just trying to help. But how about “I want you to be happy,”
That is a nice sentiment, because if I want your advice I will ask for it. What I really want is to work this out for myself and make my own choices and have my own space to do so. I might feel differently in a few weeks but the first few have me feeling this way.

Irrationality

Nothing hurts quite like the person you love rejecting you.
Often when things come to a breaking point, I am filled with regret, confusion, anger and fear. I am overwhelmed by this mixture of emotions…

Even if it was for the best.

I keep telling myself that I am sure, and that I’ve made a huge mistake… but perhaps I am fooling myself. I know I am allowing myself to act on my emotions. I don’t want to act on emotion alone, or on only logic.. there has to be a middle ground. What my DBT group referred to as “clear mind.”

I have been thinking for months that I probably need time to “find myself” and that perhaps I shouldn’t date someone younger than me… or at least someone with a high level of emotional immaturity. Doubting myself. But still feeling like I didn’t want to leave…

Love is a funny thing.

I keep trying to meet up with my now “ex” in order to get the things off of my chest I need to say, to explain in order to feel like I’ve had some sort of closure. But he seems just as confused as I do, and I know with men that they can need quite a bit more time to separate their wants, needs and feelings from their anger. They often let it consume them and cannot think through the anger. Especially if you don’t give them quite a bit of space…

I know, logically that the wise thing to do is wait.

Perhaps in a few weeks I will feel a lot better about this. I do think that regardless, whether this lasts a few months, a few years or if it simply isn’t meant to be that this is what’s best for me right now.

No excuses as to why, just because I need to build myself back up to where I need to be. Rebuild my self confidence, and assurance. Stop looking for signs that everything will somehow be okay and just believe that it will be.

I get angry because I feel like I am somehow being wronged because he just needs some space. I want him to get his things, and have our conversation so I can just get this over with and not have to worry about it anymore… but my impatience will be my downfall. If I want to try to leave things on better terms, I need to wait.

Patience.

There is no magic number of days, weeks or months. I will know when its been enough time to have a rational conversation. (If I even want to have that conversation anymore by then…) I need to know that I won’t burst into tears, and he needs enough time to calm down if I want him to be able to really hear what I’m saying.

“I’ve been wallowing in my own chaotic, insecure delusions.”

I know what I am doing.
I don’t believe I’m being rational or fair for a second, and I realize I am not myself right now, and that I haven’t been myself for a little while now… I have felt rather lost- and unsure why. I felt like this had just made things worse, and I have been focusing on every little mistake I made and resenting myself for it.

I know how crazy I sound when I get upset, see what I’m doing and then apologize shortly after. I realize it would have been better to just wait. Send 50 text messages attempting to voice my rapid, anxious, frustrated and depressed thoughts.

I mark dates in my calendar, saying don’t send any texts for 30 days. Be reasonable.

Then something highly irrational in me takes over…
Its incredibly frustrating, being so aware of the fact that I am the cause of my own problems and continuing to make them worse.

Perhaps this is why I had been so tempted to relapse early on in this… It can be so tempting, knowing it is a way to stifle your emotional side… that I probably could mostly forget about this if I were sedated enough.

I don’t know what it is.

The addict inside of me, this monster that we call “illness”… it is still very much alive. Very hungry. Ravenous, and shaking with rage, waiting to break out of its prison. Sometimes. Other times it sleeps, but it never dies. It whispers in my ear when I’m down. It tells me just how pathetic I really am. It says, no one will ever love you, because you just won’t let them. You are a burden on all of those around you, when you let them in, they will leave you.

I begin to believe people are just better off without me.

But somehow, something still stops me.
I will be shaking, irrational, angry, miserable, and so in need of some inner quiet… but something stops me. Sometimes its not good how I try to stop myself, I burden others further. I tell someone what I am thinking of doing… in this case I began to essentially harass my former lover.

What the fuck am I thinking here?

I am not intending to emotionally extort him, but that is what I am doing.
I want to be talked off that ledge… but I am burdening someone with something they don’t know how to handle.

This obviously isn’t fair to him.

As addicts, as those who suffer with mental illness, anxiety, BPD, depression, or whatever it is… we have to remember that just because people who we love don’t, or can’t handle our baggage on top of theirs doesn’t mean they don’t love us back… they just aren’t as strong as you and I are perhaps. Because of what we have survived. They don’t know what to do with the feelings we present them with. They feel afraid, and then angry because the thought of us doing these things makes them upset. Then because of this they become overwhelmed and lash out… or ignore it. It is not a product of carelessness, but simply they have reached their emotional capacity.

Something some of us find unfathomable because we have such a large emotional scale, but we cannot compare ourselves to others. My life and emotions are not a blueprint for anyone else’s life.

I also have to remember in these instances, heartbreak, dealing with my addiction almost three years off of opiates… dealing with my mental “illness”, etc. that I cannot change anyone else, only myself.

Getting Better all the Time

I haven’t really been doing so well I guess… I wanted to relapse, to hurt myself. I couldn’t stop crying, constantly, my neck was always leakng… (it does that when I cry, and for you googlers no, it isn’t a cyst, its just a tear duct that didn’t close at birth).

Things came to a sort of a head yesterday.
I woke up, feeling the worst I had felt so far this past week and a bit.
I cried for so long, and had a complete and utter breakdown. I began writing a suicide note, unsure if I would go through with it but I didn’t want to go without an explanation.

I knew I was acting repulsive, and that all I was succeeding in achieving was exactly what I feared the most in that moment. I was just pushing people away further insead of being patient, kind, and loving. These are things I should do best, things I take pride in and I need to use these things to my advantage.

I will never get what, or where I want by wallowing in misery. I may not enjoy a circumstance, but if the outcome I desire is important I need to be patient but also know when its time to move on.

These intense feelings of sadness, berayal, rejection, and the fear of uncertainty get me so caught up in the moment that I forget about the bigger picture.

I forget that this is merely an opportunity to build myself up into someone better and stronger. It doesn’t mean I feel okay in the slightest, but that doesn’t mean its time to give up and give in.

People need time to miss you, and if you never give them the opportunity it means they will always see you in a negative light. Smothering people when they just need space just makes the problem bigger than it has to be.

Logically, I know this.
I let my emotions cloud my judgement completely.

I will likely wite many more depressing blogs, but as a tool for healing. To get those ugly thoughts out of my head. So I don’t sit there, overwhelmed by my pain degrading myself, driving myself so far down that I can’t see the light anymore.

Perhaps it was me who lost sight of my good qualities… rather than wallow in self-pity I have decided to stay active, keep going to yoga, eat healthy, always look fantastic, get out, and drink lots of green tea.