Nothing hurts quite like the person you love rejecting you.
Often when things come to a breaking point, I am filled with regret, confusion, anger and fear. I am overwhelmed by this mixture of emotions…
Even if it was for the best.
I keep telling myself that I am sure, and that I’ve made a huge mistake… but perhaps I am fooling myself. I know I am allowing myself to act on my emotions. I don’t want to act on emotion alone, or on only logic.. there has to be a middle ground. What my DBT group referred to as “clear mind.”
I have been thinking for months that I probably need time to “find myself” and that perhaps I shouldn’t date someone younger than me… or at least someone with a high level of emotional immaturity. Doubting myself. But still feeling like I didn’t want to leave…
Love is a funny thing.
I keep trying to meet up with my now “ex” in order to get the things off of my chest I need to say, to explain in order to feel like I’ve had some sort of closure. But he seems just as confused as I do, and I know with men that they can need quite a bit more time to separate their wants, needs and feelings from their anger. They often let it consume them and cannot think through the anger. Especially if you don’t give them quite a bit of space…
I know, logically that the wise thing to do is wait.
Perhaps in a few weeks I will feel a lot better about this. I do think that regardless, whether this lasts a few months, a few years or if it simply isn’t meant to be that this is what’s best for me right now.
No excuses as to why, just because I need to build myself back up to where I need to be. Rebuild my self confidence, and assurance. Stop looking for signs that everything will somehow be okay and just believe that it will be.
I get angry because I feel like I am somehow being wronged because he just needs some space. I want him to get his things, and have our conversation so I can just get this over with and not have to worry about it anymore… but my impatience will be my downfall. If I want to try to leave things on better terms, I need to wait.
There is no magic number of days, weeks or months. I will know when its been enough time to have a rational conversation. (If I even want to have that conversation anymore by then…) I need to know that I won’t burst into tears, and he needs enough time to calm down if I want him to be able to really hear what I’m saying.
“I’ve been wallowing in my own chaotic, insecure delusions.”
I know what I am doing.
I don’t believe I’m being rational or fair for a second, and I realize I am not myself right now, and that I haven’t been myself for a little while now… I have felt rather lost- and unsure why. I felt like this had just made things worse, and I have been focusing on every little mistake I made and resenting myself for it.
I know how crazy I sound when I get upset, see what I’m doing and then apologize shortly after. I realize it would have been better to just wait. Send 50 text messages attempting to voice my rapid, anxious, frustrated and depressed thoughts.
I mark dates in my calendar, saying don’t send any texts for 30 days. Be reasonable.
Then something highly irrational in me takes over…
Its incredibly frustrating, being so aware of the fact that I am the cause of my own problems and continuing to make them worse.
Perhaps this is why I had been so tempted to relapse early on in this… It can be so tempting, knowing it is a way to stifle your emotional side… that I probably could mostly forget about this if I were sedated enough.
I don’t know what it is.
The addict inside of me, this monster that we call “illness”… it is still very much alive. Very hungry. Ravenous, and shaking with rage, waiting to break out of its prison. Sometimes. Other times it sleeps, but it never dies. It whispers in my ear when I’m down. It tells me just how pathetic I really am. It says, no one will ever love you, because you just won’t let them. You are a burden on all of those around you, when you let them in, they will leave you.
I begin to believe people are just better off without me.
But somehow, something still stops me.
I will be shaking, irrational, angry, miserable, and so in need of some inner quiet… but something stops me. Sometimes its not good how I try to stop myself, I burden others further. I tell someone what I am thinking of doing… in this case I began to essentially harass my former lover.
What the fuck am I thinking here?
I am not intending to emotionally extort him, but that is what I am doing.
I want to be talked off that ledge… but I am burdening someone with something they don’t know how to handle.
This obviously isn’t fair to him.
As addicts, as those who suffer with mental illness, anxiety, BPD, depression, or whatever it is… we have to remember that just because people who we love don’t, or can’t handle our baggage on top of theirs doesn’t mean they don’t love us back… they just aren’t as strong as you and I are perhaps. Because of what we have survived. They don’t know what to do with the feelings we present them with. They feel afraid, and then angry because the thought of us doing these things makes them upset. Then because of this they become overwhelmed and lash out… or ignore it. It is not a product of carelessness, but simply they have reached their emotional capacity.
Something some of us find unfathomable because we have such a large emotional scale, but we cannot compare ourselves to others. My life and emotions are not a blueprint for anyone else’s life.
I also have to remember in these instances, heartbreak, dealing with my addiction almost three years off of opiates… dealing with my mental “illness”, etc. that I cannot change anyone else, only myself.