Contradictions

I am in no way the slightest bit sorry about who I am as a person, I do however experience constant frustration with how I am interpreted. There’s an oddity about being someone who presents so well, is so articulate with such an overstimulated mind and senses. I often use too many words, when the message would be more effective with fewer. I am prone to over explain, obsess and fixate. I guess I’m sorry for how I come across sometimes. When people begin to understand me, they fear me and then they run so I have an odd way of interacting. Its a mix of genuine nature and guardedness.

I’m either interactive, hyperactive even or very quiet and observant. I am a unique combination of bewildering yet relatable, I suppose I have a very contradictory nature. It’s like I understand myself so well while also finding parts of myself that are entirely hidden and unexplored.

Here I go again with the contradictions.

Addiction is so fascinating and yet so frustrating, having to accept that it will always manifest itself into your life is upsetting. For me at least, but I like to be different. I like to challenge and god forbid I submit to something, it has to be my idea or something has to push me to this point.

Let me continue to contradict here, but for someone so open minded I am incredibly fixed in what I believe in. Perhaps accepting is a more accurate representation, because if I find it morally objectionable there is no budging.

I’m coming to a point in my life where I have to decide if I want to dull the person I am with medications, quiet it a little bit so that others will have an easier time handling me, and I will therefore suffer less because I will experience less loss… or just say fuck it and let it be. Specific people who truly love me, stay there consistently from a distance, or wind in and out of my life at their leisure. Most of my friends know me from an intimate distance.

I make strong connections very quickly, the spark either dies out quickly but passionately or it stays static in the distance. There’s something about me that draws you in but also tells you to keep your distance.

I feel like a highly potent, highly addictive substance: it has to be in measured in rationed doses because I’m very easy to overdose on. I seem like a lot of fun at first, and then I begin to overwhelm your life. This causes me to keep my distance in my way, although I love interacting with people very much. I’m not overly complaining but this can be… depressing.

Taking medication to make me easier to deal with, goes against what I believe in and yet I’ve always loved taking drugs and altering my senses so again… another contradiction. Loving people always disappoints me because I love to a level that is frankly smothering, but yet I’m not jaded to it because I feel so much of it so often.

I know life is a struggle for everyone, but I’d like to find a way to struggle instead of drown I think and something in me tells me that more chemical dependency just isn’t the way.. even though at times I can’t sleep for nights to the point I need real sedatives to knock me out. I’ve tried gravol, melatonin, benadryl, not napping during the day, ridiculous amounts of exercise, yoga and meditation.

Without sedation, this brain doesn’t shut off. How the fuck do I live with this, because I love sleep so very much. It’s healing, it’s a break, the dreams can inspire, confuse or you forget them. I love to be comfortable, and snuggled up. I like when my head finally takes a break but I find it so hard to get there.

You’d think being so conflicted, and isolated I would want to end it all. That’s never really been the issue though, I’ve never seriously felt like I wanted to die (although I’ve pictured it many times).. I much prefer inflicting harm on myself.

I like to feel and yet it overwhelms me. I could contradict forever, it’s endless.

 

 

Just some words

It feels like I’ve been asleep for a very long time. Perhaps asleep isn’t the best description… I feel like I’ve been in a fog that I wasn’t aware of until just now. That parts of me have been sleeping these past few years, and I am realizing that they are still a part of me.

Parts I had suppressed for my own “well-being” in the name of recovery.

I feel so raw, like the outer layer of my skin has been removed and I am exposed to the world. I had forgotten how it felt to be so consumed by a feeling, or another being. To feel afraid and vulnerable but also exhilarated from the uncertainty.

 

I feel inspired, like I have been quieting my passion because of the way I am sometimes rejected for it. I often tell people, not to feel shame or that there is “something wrong” with them because of these intense emotions, picking up on the emotions of others.. perhaps I should take my own advice? We are rejected by so many people because we are taught from a young age to bury what you feel and perceive if it might make someone “uncomfortable” (which, incidentally is also a product of this upbringing we are subject to on a mass scale).

I get so angry that I shake, I get so sad that I physically feel numb and like my limbs are made of lead, I feel so happy that I could cartwheel instead of walk. I love so hard that it burns me. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the grief of those who I’ve lost both physically and emotionally.

I like to get hurt, and I feel compelled to hurt myself when I feel so intense that I need to bring myself back to my body- but I can’t tell anyone when I feel this way or they feel obligated to stop me.

But why?
Because it’ll leave a scar?

I am always looking for some way to channel my emotions, and in many ways I have that. Whether I’m getting tattooed, doing sun salutations, riding my bike, pouring my soul into someone else, writing, playing piano, singing, dancing in the shower or in the crowd… whatever it may be. There is a way to channel these things, but that doesn’t mean we have to eliminate these feelings. It’s merely a way to comprehend them, and ride that wave. I am growing used to some discomfort.

Life is funny sometimes.